525,600 Minutes

The Alpha Male

I loved him then...

 

And I love him now...

 

I. Love. Him.  And he's never getting married because he loves me the best.  And if he does get married, I already hate his wife.  Because she will never love him as much as I do. Just sayin'...

Goodbye Summer ~ We'll Miss You

Summer ~ we hardly knew ya.  Actually, we knew you quite well and enjoyed the hell out of you.  But as they say, all good things must come to an end.  Who exactly are "they?"  And what the hell do they know?  Apparently they know that summer is over and it's back to school time, baby.  As if we couldn't have figured that out.  Clearly summer hasn't figured it out since it was 90 effin' degrees today.  But despite the balmy temperatures, today was, indeed, the first day back to school.  Let me share my day with you ok?  OK!

Here's The Girl.  She's in 6th grade.  Which technically makes her in junior high.  Seriously.  I'm not old enough or freaking mature enough to have a kid in junior high ~ just sayin'.  Let me tell you a little bit about her morning.  She woke up at 6:00 am ~ we leave at 8:00 am.  What do you think she did for two hours?  She took a shower ~ which I'm all for.  I've told you that I don't like stinky ass folks, right?  Then she changed her clothes four times.  Do you notice anything about her clothes?  Like, um THEY'RE UNIFORMS FOR FUCK SAKE?  Why the hell do we have to change them 4 damn times when the next shirt looks EXACTLY like the one you just took off?  Except that it's a different color.  She opted for the light blue instead of the white because you could see her bra through the white shirt?  Who gives a shit?  It's better then seeing your boobies, right?  She wasn't amused when I said that ~ she may have even cried a little.  Whatever.  I've given birth twice and I'm pretty sure the janitorial staff at both hospitals saw my vagina.  The outline of a bra in a white shirt means nothing to me.  But I'm not 11 ~ even though I act like I am.  Once the uniform was finally approved and no undergarments were visible, she put in her contacts, ate, got the shit out of her braces and curled her hair.  Two hours was almost not enough time.  Sometimes it sucks being a girl.

Here's The Boy.  He got up at 7:00 am.  He got dressed, ate breakfast, spilled shit on his shirt, changed his shirt, brushed his teeth and tried to get his naturally curly hair to spike in front.  He accomplished all of this by 7:30 am.  I'm coming back as a boy in my next life ~ just sayin'.

The fruit of my womb.  Stunning, aren't they?  And speaking of stunning, how about those petunias?  Didn't know that JillyD had a green thumb, did ya?  I make really cute kids and I grow gorgeous petunias.  I'm a gal of many talents.  Just ask Mach One.

Why is it that I can't get enough of these pictures?  Cuz I'm an immature ass, you say?  Perhaps.  But I'm sorry, this shit cracks me up.  Here's The Boy with his classmates.  As in the kids that are in his class.  As in the kids that are in the same grade as him.  Do you see the size of his paw ~ I mean, hand?  If he was a labrador retriever puppy, he'd be a big mo-fo.  But he's a boy, not a puppy.  And he's still going to be a big mo-fo.  I'm pretty sure I don't have to worry about any bullying issues.

The Chickens.  Love them!  Apparently Banana didn't get the memo about the khaki skort and light blue shirt.  Or maybe she changed her clothes 35 times too.  There's one thing missing from this photo.  That would be SammyMaiz.  It's not quite the same without her. :-(

After the kiddies were locked away in their schoolroom dungeons, JillyD met the homies at The French Laundry for a little breakfast.  Actually it was a huge breakfast but whatever.  Yo, Weenie, JayZ, KB and Cat, just to name a few.  But there was one thing missing.  Jenni from the Hood.  I miss her.  A lot.

Sayonara, Summer.  See you next year!

Say What?

I heart music.  Unless it's country music ~ that shit makes me want to pierce my eardrums with a sharp stick.  Honestly, I just can't deal with it.  That crap ass song about slammin' screen doors and yer momma don't know makes me want to slit my wrists ~ just sayin'.

Because I heart music, I'm one of those obnoxious folks who spend hundreds of dollars a year on ringtones for my cellphone.  Ok, it's not hundreds of dollars ~ maybe fifty.  Or more.  Whatever.  I like to share my uber cool ringtones as well.  Most people aren't nearly as amused by them as me but most people aren't nearly as fun as me.  My friends will attest to that.  Won't you, friends?  Friends?  Hello?

So my latest ringtone is called "When I Grow Up" by The Pussycat Dolls.  Remember them?  Don'cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?  Don'cha?  That used to be one of my ringtones once upon a time.  Shocked, aren't ya?  Anyway, the first time I heard When I Grow Up, I was convinced that the refrain went like this:

When I grow up, I wanna be famous, I wanna be a star, I wanna be in movies.

When I grow up, I wanna see the world, drive nice cars, I wanna have boobies.

I swear to God I thought they were saying "boobies."  And I cackled in the car like a lunatic and turned it up full blast and made The Girl confirm that they did indeed say boobies.  Boobies.  Who the hell says boobies?  What the hell ~ are The Pussycat Dolls three years old for fuck sake?  The Girl confirmed they were saying boobies.  And then we howled more.  Aren't I a fine mother?  Don't answer that.

The next day, my world was shattered when one of the four Cowgirl's explained to my immature ass that they were saying "groupies" ~ not boobies.  Son of a bitch.  Boobies is so much damn funnier than groupies.  I damn near changed my ringtone at that point.  But I had already forked out the $2.99 for it so I decided to keep it.  And I say boobies anyway.  Cuz let's face it, we all do want boobies when we grow up, right?  I'm still waiting for my boobies and I'm 40.  But that's another story for another day.

So this little boobie debacle got me to thinking about songs lyrics that me or my loved ones have totally fucked up in the past.  My sister, BandCamp is the queen of the effed up lyrics.  I spent most of my formative years mocking her for singing shit that was completely ridiculous.  Let me share some of her greater moments with you.  This will be fun, promise.

Maggie May by Rod Stewart

"All you did was wet my bed and in the morning kick me in the head..."

Why the hell would Maggie May have been peeing in Rod's bed?  Wasn't he like 12 and she was about 50.  If anybody would have been pissing the bed, it would have been him ~ just sayin'.  But BandCamp was convinced that Maggie had some incontinence issue and poor Rod need one of those plastic mattress protectors.

Edge of Seventeen by Stevie Nicks

"Just like the one we love, sings a song, sound, sound she's singing."

What the hell?  That's not even English for fuck's sake.  Song, sound, sound she's singing?  I know Stevie has spent the past three decades stoned out of her devil worshipping mind, but damn, I don't think she was that high.  Apparently BandCamp did though since she spent all of 1981 saying, "song, sound, sound she's singing."

Apparently my children have acquired the fucked up song lyric gene from my sister.  Remember the song "My Humps?"  You know, "My humps, my lovely lady lumps ~ check it out."  At the end of the uncensored song that my children know every word of, our boy Will.i.am goes into this mellow riff of, "So real, so real."  Here's what I hear coming from my backseat...

"It's on the grill, it's on the grill..."

What the hell is on the grill?  The lovely lady lumps?  That's highly disturbing if I do say so myself.  Not to mention, quite painful.

JillyD has a confession to make.  I jacked up a song lyric once.  But only once.  I don't even know why I know this song but it's Blinded by The Light by the Manfred Mann's Earth Band.  You know where I'm going with this, right? 

Blinded by the light, revved up like a douche, another runner in the night.

Douche?  As in Massengill Disposable?  As in, "Mom, do you ever got that not so fresh, crotch rot feeling?"  Here, let me share it with you...

That's so disturbing.  So. very. disturbing.  So I'm not exactly sure what the hell "revved up like a deuce" means but I felt better that they weren't being wrapped up like a douche.  Do you even wrap up douche?  Like a sanitary napkin?  I can honestly say that JillyD has never been anywhere near a douche bag.  JillyD has known douche bags ~ just sayin' ~ but I've never used one. 

Time for all my faithful readers to fess up.  Come on, you know you've effed up a song ~ at least once.  Share your story.  It will make my sister feel so much better.

She's Gone

My BFF is gone.  And my heart is broken.  I love you Jenni from the Hood.  Don't forget to remember me, ok?

Do You Serve Fries With That?

The Guolizhuang Restaurant is in Beijing. There are four franchises in the city
alone, and the chain is expanding: there's one in Atlanta, Georgia, and in Chinatown. The Guolizhuang menu is a broad introduction to the medicinal benefits of eating animal penises and testicles.

Let me remind everyone that JillyD's BFF, Jenni in the Hood is moving to Shanghai.  Which is in China.  Where apparently they eat weiners and nuts on a regular basis.  I think I'd rather die from whatever was ailing me then eat a weiner ~ just sayin'. 

 

Ox penises help manliness. They're cut along the side and shaped into little stars.

Ox penises help manliness?  What the hell does that mean?  If a boy eats an ox dick he'll be able to fart louder?  Or fondle his man parts more often? How does one measure manliness?  If you're JillyD, you measure it by the amount of money that's deposited in my checking account every two weeks.  Manliness is directly proportional to the level in which I can maintain my life of leisure.  No worries for the love of my life, Mach One.  He's manly enough without having to eat an ox schlong.  Thank God for small favors.

  

The yak penis is served with a dragon. In the Guolizhuang restaurant there are more than 30
different animal penises on the menu. And for very special guests there's a list of others.

Holy Mary, Mother of God.  Pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death amen.  And how about an extra special prayer for the female yaks of the world.  Do you see the size of that thing?  Or were you too distracted by the dragon?  What the hell is that made of ~ cheese?  Or does the bed of wilted lettuce make it less obvious that there is a 3 foot long penis about to be served to you and a few of your favorite friends?  With friends like that, who the hell needs enemies?  That's all I'm sayin'...

 

'Henry's whip' is the house speciality at Beijing's Guolizhuang restaurant. It's a
sheep's penis on a stick covered in mayonnaise, sweet cheese, served on a bed of
lettuce.

Poor Henry has a pretty small whip, don't you think?  These things look more like Henry's balls on a plate.  Not that I want to eat those either ~ just sayin'.  Is it just me or do these look like mice?  And would you rather eat a mouse or Henry's whip?  Remember, whichever one you choose, there's always the tasty dipping sauce on the side for your palate's pleasure.  Any guesses as to what's in the sauce?  Seriously.

  

The penises are often dipped in soy or hot sauce. For women, eating penises is supposed to be good for the skin.

Raise your hand if you've heard that one before. Apparently the "good for the skin" rumor is a universal pick up line.  Who knew? 

Seriously.  That picture is just wrong on so many levels.  So wrong.  On so many levels...

 

Donkey penis served on a bed of lettuce: For Chinese guests, eating the sexual organs is not a test of courage, but rather a treatment for the libido.

The jackass dick makes the yak look like a small fry, doesn't it.  As far as the libido issue I have one word ~ Viagra.  Or Cialis.  Or celibacy.  All three are better options then deep throating Eyeore ~ just sayin'...

Special thanks to my pal, DixCGirl for sharing this one with me.  And how appropriate that the word "dix" is in her name?  I heart irony.

 

Saving the Best for Last

Softball season is officially over.  Damn, I hate when that happens.  I've mentioned that I heart softball, right?  Maybe just a few times.  It's not like I'm obsessed or anything.  Shut up ~ I'm not.  Just because I know the entire schedule of Team USA in Beijing over the next few weeks does not mean I'm obsessed.  I'm just an avid fan.  Is it just me or does avid sound like rabid?  Don't answer that. 

Our last softball tournament was in Petoskey ~ which is in lovely northern Michigan.  Like the effing Kid Rock song that plays every minute on the minute.  You know the one I'm talking about right?  I liked it the first million times I heard it.  Now I break out into hives when I hear the first note ~ just sayin'.  Anyway, back to northern Michigan.  Not only does Kid Rock smoke funny things in northern Michigan but Madonna and her man hands happened to be close by as well.  Have you seen Madonna's hands?  God God ~ they're like claws.  No shit.  Google Madonna's hands ~ I'll wait.  See, I was right, wasn't I?  Scary shit.  Anyway, Madonna was in Traverse City, wreaking havoc no doubt, and JillyD and her gang were watching The Girl and her uber cool team play a little softball.  Check out this field...

Breathtaking, isn't it?  I'm sure the dude who developed it has since been fired for putting a softball field on prime real estate property.  That was a dumbass move but I didn't mind.  It's not like I'm planning on living there.  I'd have to find another street corner to work if I did.  But it was very cool watching The Girl spank the other team with such a lovely back drop.

Look at the girl on third thinking that she's going to pick off The Girl.  She's all serious and shit in her ugly uniform ~ poor thing.  And is anyone else concerned about the toddler playing by himself on the cliff that leads down to Little Traverse Bay?  Just wonderin'?  Not a parent in site ~ I'm sure they were drunk somewhere.  Not that I'd know anything about being drunk.

Um, sweetie, that would be a strike.  Don't try to jump out of the batter's box and act like you're going to get hit and shit.  That's a strike and you need to be swinging.  Except for the fact that you're on the other team so we don't give a damn if you watch the third strike go by.  And what the hell is the runner on third doing?  Is she skipping?  I think she might be.  That's just wrong on so many levels.

These are my kids.  Aren't they cute?  And for those of you who are lucky enough to be on JillyD's Christmas card list ~ pretend you never saw this.  Because you'll probably be seeing it again in about 4 months.  Holy shit ~ is Christmas really four months away?  I think I just had a mini stroke contemplating that little fact.

Have I ever mentioned that that I like it really cold when I sleep?  Like if it's snowing in my room, I'm good.  My children have had to adapt their environment to my hot flashes.  Menopause is going to be a bitch ~ just sayin'...

See the ball in the upper right hand corner?  Yeah ~ the bee-yatch in the outfield saw it too.  And she felt compelled to catch it.  Whatever.  It was still a good hit and it made for a hell of a good picture.

So there you have it ~ our last tournament of the softball season.  I have pictures from the other five tournaments as well.  They'll be coming to a blog near you soon.  But for now, feel free to enjoy the beauty of northern Michigan.  Just make sure you're not smoking funny things, k?

Somewhere in Between

Here's a recent photo of The Girl.  She's somewhere in between being a little kid and being a big kid.  There are moments when she's definitely a big kid.  But there's a moment, late at night, before I head off to bed when I check on her one last time before a new day begins ~ and at that moment, she's still a little kid.

At least I don't hold a mirror up to her nose to make sure she's still breathing ~ just sayin'....

She'll be 12 in December.  I'm not sure I'm ready to be the mother of a 12 year old.  Rumor has it I'm not really responsible enough to be the mother of anyone ~ go figure.

I wish I could freeze time.  Like the Cassadines from General Hospital and their freeze machine.  I was probably The Girl's age when the Cassadine's were wreaking havoc on Port Charles.  Now there's a full circle moment.

Who Are You? Who? Who? Who? Who?

Let's play a little game, shall we?  It's not really a game since there are no winners or losers ~ or winners of the losers.  Being the winner of the losers just seems wrong, doesn't it?  Anywho, this game ~ that's not really a game ~ involves all of you telling me, JillyD, who you are!  Now of course it won't work if you're in the witness protection program or on America's Most Wanted list ~ just sayin'.

See that large rectangle ~ to the right, toward the bottom?  I'll wait while you look.  Did ya find it?  Picture me pointing to it.  Do you see it now?  Can you hear me now?  Ok, good, you found it.  That shows me who hearts JillyD and where all of my friends and fans alike are from.  I say friends and fans because if you're a foe, you suck and you shouldn't be here anyway.  Back to the game.  Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to leave a comment in this post giving JillyD a shout out.  Based on my little gizmo in the corner, I have friends in Garden City, Michigan, Oak Lawn, Illinois, some place in Oregon ~ all over the good old U S of A.  And I certainly don't want to forget my pals, Mel & Wenchy from beautiful South Africa.  And in less then a month, I'll have friends checking in from China.  China sucks ~ have I mentioned that?

You don't have to leave your real name in case you are a protected witness ~ I'm all about monikers.  Just let me know who you are (real name or moniker) and where you're from.  And if I know you or not.  Because I've been to Garden City before.  Not that I could come close to finding it now but once upon a time I knew how to get there.  We'll make today "National De-Lurking Day" on JillyD's blog.  Now doesn't that sound fun?  It sounds fun as hell if you ask me.

While all of you are sharing with me, I will be heading up to Yo's cottage for an evening of friends, fun & food.  Too bad booze doesn't start with an F since there will be a lot of that happening too.  We're taking the book club on the road this month!  I promise to share all of the sordid details when I get back.

So what are you waiting for?  Tell me who you are and where you're from ~ it won't hurt, I promise.

An Interview with The Boy - Age 8

This is my son.  My son who was supposed to be my second daughter.  My second daughter who was born with a penis thus making her, um I mean him, my son.  It wasn't that I wanted a second daughter or didn't want a son.  I was fine either way.  It's just that I was convinced that the infant that I was carrying and who battered me in the ribs on a daily basis and used my bladder as a punching bag was female.  I was wrong.  And I've never been so happy to be wrong in my entire life.  My son, my baby boy.  I adore him beyond words.  Would you like to get to know him better?  Well, come on then...

JillyD: Hey man!

The Boy: Hey!

JillyD: What's your name?

The Boy: Mom, you know my name

JillyD: Humor me, would ya?

The Boy: Dane

JillyD: Are you sure?

The Boy: Yes, I'm sure

JillyD: Are you for sure, sure?

The Boy: Yes, Mom

JillyD: Why are you sure?

The Boy: Cuz I know my name

JillyD: Fair enough

JillyD: If you could have had any name in the world, what would you have picked?

The Boy: Drake

JillyD:  Drake?  Like that fat kid on the dumbass show?

The Boy: You shouldn't swear and the fat kid is Josh

JillyD: Whatev on both accounts

The Boy: Huh?

JillyD: Never mind...

JillyD: Who's your favorite mom?

The Boy: You are

JillyD: Good answer, pal

JillyD: And is your favorte Mom lovely and incrediby thin?

The Boy: Sure

JillyD: That didn't sound real sincere.  Here's your chance to redeem yourself.  How thin?

The Boy: A lot thin

JillyD: Alrighty then.  You're back on the right track, my friend.

JillyD: What's your favorite song?

The Boy: Wake Up Call by Maroon 5

JillyD: You mean the one that goes, "Wake up call, caught you in the morning with another one in my bed?"

The Boy: Yep

JillyD: I thought you liked the Usher one - you know, "I want a lady in the street but a freak in the bed." 

The Boy: Oh yeah, I like that one too

JillyD: Will you come visit me when Social Services shows up at my door and hauls me off to jail for being an unfit parent?

The Boy: *Blank Stare*

JillyD: Okey doke, moving along...

JillyD: Let's talk about my thinness again, shall we?

The Boy: I'm bored

JillyD: My thinness is never boring, you got that punk?

The Boy: *Yawns*

JillyD: Do you like school?

The Boy:  Oh hell no (actually he just shook his head vehemently ~ but he was thinking "oh hell no.")

JillyD: What's your favorite subject?

The Boy: Recess

JillyD: And I pay thousands of dollars a year in tuition for you to like recess the best?  What's up with that?

The Boy: Are we done yet?

JillyD: Not even close, dude

JillyD: Who do you like better ~ me or Dad?

The Boy: I like you both

JillyD: I think you have a future in politics

JillyD: Here's a hard one for you.  Who's thinner, me or Dad?

The Boy: Dad

JillyD: Geez, you could have humored me and at least pretended to think about it for oh, a nanosecond.

The Boy: *Furrows his brow*

JillyD: What's your favorite sport?

The Boy: Swimming

JillyD: Why?

The Boy: Because it's fun and you get wet

JillyD: Do you have any words of advice for the blog readers?

The Boy: Always wear underwear and don't take God's name in vain

JillyD: Very sage advice

The Boy: What's sage?

JillyD: You use it to make stuffing at Thanksgiving

The Boy: Are we done yet?

JillyD: Why? Do you have a hot date?

The Boy: Mom!  No!

JillyD: K ~ just checking

JillyD: We're done.  I love you, buddy!

The Boy: I love you too, Mom

Emerging from The Dark Place

*Blink* *Blink*  Walk toward the light.  Don't be afraid of the light, JillyD.  Why would this be so much better if it was the midget from Poltergeist guiding me out from the dark place?  And midget is so policitally incorrect, isn't it?  We'll call her the "little person" from Poltergeist.  Except that I think she's dead.  Half the damn people from those Poltergeist movies are dead.  Did you know that?  Weird shit too ~ like the oldest sister was strangled in her driveway by her crazy ass boyfried.  And little Carole Ann had a bowel obstruction or some shit like that.  No pun intended.  Just goes to show you that you really shouldn't fuck around with the whole Satan thing.  Satan sucks ~ just sayin'....

Hi friends!  I missed you guys ~ I hope you missed me too.  It's been a couple tough months in the life of JillyD.  And because I'm so totally not a mature adult, I don't handle my emotions well and retreat to the dark place when I get sad.  I figured that nobody really gives a shit about my sadness ~ and I don't blame you.  We've all got our own crappy things to deal with.  Some of us just handle things better than others.  JillyD is on the side that doesn't handle thing well.  It's a character flaw, I know.  And I'm working on it but I'm 40 years old for fuck's sake ~ if I were you I wouldn't expect any miracles.

So I guess I need to tell you why I've spent the last two months in the dark place.  Actually I don't need to tell you ~ but I will.  It's part of my therapy.  My BFF, my partner in crime, my Jenni from the Hood is moving.  Not to another town, not even to another state.  But to another country.  And it's not Canada.  It's China.  And my heart is broken.  But worse than my heart being broken is the fact that The Girl's heart is broken because while Jenni is my BFF, you'll also recall that Jenni's middle spawn is The Girl's BFF.  They are leaving at the end of August and will be gone for 4 years.  My stomach actually begins to regurgitate its contents when I type the length of time that they'll be gone.  The Girl will be damn near 16 when they return.  I'll be 44 and most likely sporting a beard from my impending menopause.  I doubt that Jenni will even recognize my shriveled up, bearded ass when she returns.

So now you know why the dark place has been my solace for the past few months.  Aside from the diagnosis of my mother's illness, this is the hardest thing that my fat ass has been through.  I'm devastated and so is The Girl.  That's a lot of devastation.

But it's time to grow up and face reality.  And start to blog again.  So that's what I'm going to do.  Start blogging again.  I sure as hell am not going to grow up because that would just suck.  Me as a grown up ~ can you picture that?  Yeah, me neither.

I'll be back tomorrow ~ we have a lot of catching up to do, don't we?