*tap* *tap* - is this thing on? Are JillyD's fans still out there? Sorry about the light years in between posts. But I appreciate all of the words of harrassment and beratement that you left in the comments. Beratement - is that a word? It is now - just sayin'. Who wants to continue to party like a rock star? Or at least see JillyD partying like a rock star? Perhaps I should rename this "crash & burn" since that's where I'm heading. Join me in the carnage, won't you?
Where did I leave off? Ah yes, the food. I'm still damn full and that was two weeks ago. And I'm a BIG girl - I can throw down on some food. You don't get this fat just eating salad and shit. So the food was orgasmic - we've already discussed that, correct? And booze - have we discussed the liquor intake? Even Mach One's presents involved a few libations. Bombay Sapphire Gin, for one. Apparently Trixe' Shorte is ready to vomit at the thought of ingesting any more gin. And I'm only guessing this by the look on her face. Or maybe it's not the gin. Maybe Mach One has body odor. What say you? Does Trixe' hate gin or does she think my husband smells like ass? Please leave your guess in the comments.
If you guessed that Mach One smells like ass, you're wrong. And you're banned from the blog. Mach One smells freaking fantastic. Even my BFF, Jenni agrees with me. Or she's trying to put the moves on my man. Once again, please leave your guess in the comments. Is Jenni just confirming that Mach One doesn't smell like poop? Or is she trying to get frisky with my lawfully wedded husband? All this and we haven't even reached the hot tub yet. It only goes downhill from here - just sayin'...
Have you ever noticed that a ridiculous amount of liquor brings out the adolescent male in most people? Seriously. Too much liquor turns anyone into a 14 year old boy. Including nuns. And we all know what 14 year old boys think about 24/7, right? Raise your hand if you know what this is?
Did you guess Carmine's hairy ass? If you did, you got the Carmine and the hairy right. Thank God for small favors that it's not his ass. Although he wants you to think it is. I'm almost embarrassed to say that we spent a good 30 minutes taking picture of each other's arms - trying to make them look like asses. Did I mention that we're 40? Well, I'm not - but the rest of those old codgers are. Somewhere along the line, we discoverd that arms looking like asses wasn't nearly as fun as boobs looking like asses. Like these. Any guesses as to who these hooters belong to? I'll give you a hint - they're not mine. And I'm almost embarrassed to have photos of my friend's boobs on my camera. Not to mention the blog. But since they're not my boobs, who the hell cares?
The boobs started to get on my nerves so I decided to take a dive back into my margarita glass. At this point in the evening, about 3/4 of the gallon had been consumed by me, JillyD. Singlehandedly. That's a shitload of dead brain cells. Brain cells don't regenerate, do they? Special Olympics, here I come...
After Jenni got done putting the moves on Mach One, she decided to teach us a new card game. Called "Asshole." Why the hell would anyone want to play a game called "Asshole?" Since I ended up being said "asshole" during the entire effing game, I'll answer that question. Because I had consumed a gallon of margaritas, that's why. Nothing really seems like too bad of an idea when I'm chilling with my homey, Jose Cuervo. Here's me, the asshole, and Trixe' agreeing with the fact that I'm an asshole. What the hell? I'm just realizing that she's agreeing that I'm the asshole. Nothing like a delayed reaction. Now I'll have to kick her ass for something that happened two weeks ago. I hate when that happens...
Mach One doesn't think I'm an asshole. He loves me. Or maybe he does think I'm an asshole and he's just trying to get lucky. You decide...
Things started to really tank when Carmine started thrusting shot glasses into this asshole's hand - I mean, my hand. I don't even know what the hell I was drinking. That's a problem, isn't it - when you drink something that you don't know what it is? I'm thinking that people are generally advised against that. But Jenni was drinking it and I was trying to be a good friend. Yeah, that's it. I caved to peer pressure. It was her fault - that damn Jenni. Trying to corrupt me - and make out with my husband. It's a damn good thing that I love her - and that she makes an orgasm inducing beef tenderloin.
By 2:30 am there wasn't much left to do. Except for go in the hot tub. Mach One & I borrowed some swimsuits in case you were wondering. Public nudity isn't my thing. But if I would have had one more of those red shots, I wouldn't have been responsible for my actions - just sayin'. I'm sure Carmine is making a note right now - make sure that JillyD gets TWO of those shots the next time. Nice try, Carmine. But we don't have to take our clothes off to have a good time. We could dance and party all night - and drink some cherry wine. Cherry wine - so that's what the hell that red stuff was. Raise your hand if you're glad that the mystery has been solved. Raise your hand if you want to see me in a borrowed bathing suit in the hot tub. It's not pretty. Don't say I didn't warn you...
Sorry if that made you puke. It makes me puke too. But misery loves company.
So there you have it - party like a rock, party like a rock star. Two weeks later and I'm still recovering. I'm such a damn lightweight. Except that I'm fat. I'm a fat, lightweight. Which makes me an oxymoron. But you already knew that.