525,600 Minutes

Motivational Thought for the Weekend

This little animal is called the Naked Mole Rat and is from Africa...

 

So if you're having a bad day and feeling sorry for yourself, remember...

 

You could look like a dick with buck teeth.  Just sayin'...

Have a great weekend!

So Effin' Funny...

I don't laugh at too many things.  This made me pee my pants...

Hilary: I don't believe in the Bush Doctrine.

Sarah: I don't know what that is.

"I can see Russia from my house" and "Boner Shrinker" ~ pure genius.  Not to mention the MILF comment...

I'm going to watch it again because it's too funny not to.  Politics ~ what's not to love?

Say What?

I heart music.  Unless it's country music ~ that shit makes me want to pierce my eardrums with a sharp stick.  Honestly, I just can't deal with it.  That crap ass song about slammin' screen doors and yer momma don't know makes me want to slit my wrists ~ just sayin'.

Because I heart music, I'm one of those obnoxious folks who spend hundreds of dollars a year on ringtones for my cellphone.  Ok, it's not hundreds of dollars ~ maybe fifty.  Or more.  Whatever.  I like to share my uber cool ringtones as well.  Most people aren't nearly as amused by them as me but most people aren't nearly as fun as me.  My friends will attest to that.  Won't you, friends?  Friends?  Hello?

So my latest ringtone is called "When I Grow Up" by The Pussycat Dolls.  Remember them?  Don'cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?  Don'cha?  That used to be one of my ringtones once upon a time.  Shocked, aren't ya?  Anyway, the first time I heard When I Grow Up, I was convinced that the refrain went like this:

When I grow up, I wanna be famous, I wanna be a star, I wanna be in movies.

When I grow up, I wanna see the world, drive nice cars, I wanna have boobies.

I swear to God I thought they were saying "boobies."  And I cackled in the car like a lunatic and turned it up full blast and made The Girl confirm that they did indeed say boobies.  Boobies.  Who the hell says boobies?  What the hell ~ are The Pussycat Dolls three years old for fuck sake?  The Girl confirmed they were saying boobies.  And then we howled more.  Aren't I a fine mother?  Don't answer that.

The next day, my world was shattered when one of the four Cowgirl's explained to my immature ass that they were saying "groupies" ~ not boobies.  Son of a bitch.  Boobies is so much damn funnier than groupies.  I damn near changed my ringtone at that point.  But I had already forked out the $2.99 for it so I decided to keep it.  And I say boobies anyway.  Cuz let's face it, we all do want boobies when we grow up, right?  I'm still waiting for my boobies and I'm 40.  But that's another story for another day.

So this little boobie debacle got me to thinking about songs lyrics that me or my loved ones have totally fucked up in the past.  My sister, BandCamp is the queen of the effed up lyrics.  I spent most of my formative years mocking her for singing shit that was completely ridiculous.  Let me share some of her greater moments with you.  This will be fun, promise.

Maggie May by Rod Stewart

"All you did was wet my bed and in the morning kick me in the head..."

Why the hell would Maggie May have been peeing in Rod's bed?  Wasn't he like 12 and she was about 50.  If anybody would have been pissing the bed, it would have been him ~ just sayin'.  But BandCamp was convinced that Maggie had some incontinence issue and poor Rod need one of those plastic mattress protectors.

Edge of Seventeen by Stevie Nicks

"Just like the one we love, sings a song, sound, sound she's singing."

What the hell?  That's not even English for fuck's sake.  Song, sound, sound she's singing?  I know Stevie has spent the past three decades stoned out of her devil worshipping mind, but damn, I don't think she was that high.  Apparently BandCamp did though since she spent all of 1981 saying, "song, sound, sound she's singing."

Apparently my children have acquired the fucked up song lyric gene from my sister.  Remember the song "My Humps?"  You know, "My humps, my lovely lady lumps ~ check it out."  At the end of the uncensored song that my children know every word of, our boy Will.i.am goes into this mellow riff of, "So real, so real."  Here's what I hear coming from my backseat...

"It's on the grill, it's on the grill..."

What the hell is on the grill?  The lovely lady lumps?  That's highly disturbing if I do say so myself.  Not to mention, quite painful.

JillyD has a confession to make.  I jacked up a song lyric once.  But only once.  I don't even know why I know this song but it's Blinded by The Light by the Manfred Mann's Earth Band.  You know where I'm going with this, right? 

Blinded by the light, revved up like a douche, another runner in the night.

Douche?  As in Massengill Disposable?  As in, "Mom, do you ever got that not so fresh, crotch rot feeling?"  Here, let me share it with you...

That's so disturbing.  So. very. disturbing.  So I'm not exactly sure what the hell "revved up like a deuce" means but I felt better that they weren't being wrapped up like a douche.  Do you even wrap up douche?  Like a sanitary napkin?  I can honestly say that JillyD has never been anywhere near a douche bag.  JillyD has known douche bags ~ just sayin' ~ but I've never used one. 

Time for all my faithful readers to fess up.  Come on, you know you've effed up a song ~ at least once.  Share your story.  It will make my sister feel so much better.

Do You Serve Fries With That?

The Guolizhuang Restaurant is in Beijing. There are four franchises in the city
alone, and the chain is expanding: there's one in Atlanta, Georgia, and in Chinatown. The Guolizhuang menu is a broad introduction to the medicinal benefits of eating animal penises and testicles.

Let me remind everyone that JillyD's BFF, Jenni in the Hood is moving to Shanghai.  Which is in China.  Where apparently they eat weiners and nuts on a regular basis.  I think I'd rather die from whatever was ailing me then eat a weiner ~ just sayin'. 

 

Ox penises help manliness. They're cut along the side and shaped into little stars.

Ox penises help manliness?  What the hell does that mean?  If a boy eats an ox dick he'll be able to fart louder?  Or fondle his man parts more often? How does one measure manliness?  If you're JillyD, you measure it by the amount of money that's deposited in my checking account every two weeks.  Manliness is directly proportional to the level in which I can maintain my life of leisure.  No worries for the love of my life, Mach One.  He's manly enough without having to eat an ox schlong.  Thank God for small favors.

  

The yak penis is served with a dragon. In the Guolizhuang restaurant there are more than 30
different animal penises on the menu. And for very special guests there's a list of others.

Holy Mary, Mother of God.  Pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death amen.  And how about an extra special prayer for the female yaks of the world.  Do you see the size of that thing?  Or were you too distracted by the dragon?  What the hell is that made of ~ cheese?  Or does the bed of wilted lettuce make it less obvious that there is a 3 foot long penis about to be served to you and a few of your favorite friends?  With friends like that, who the hell needs enemies?  That's all I'm sayin'...

 

'Henry's whip' is the house speciality at Beijing's Guolizhuang restaurant. It's a
sheep's penis on a stick covered in mayonnaise, sweet cheese, served on a bed of
lettuce.

Poor Henry has a pretty small whip, don't you think?  These things look more like Henry's balls on a plate.  Not that I want to eat those either ~ just sayin'.  Is it just me or do these look like mice?  And would you rather eat a mouse or Henry's whip?  Remember, whichever one you choose, there's always the tasty dipping sauce on the side for your palate's pleasure.  Any guesses as to what's in the sauce?  Seriously.

  

The penises are often dipped in soy or hot sauce. For women, eating penises is supposed to be good for the skin.

Raise your hand if you've heard that one before. Apparently the "good for the skin" rumor is a universal pick up line.  Who knew? 

Seriously.  That picture is just wrong on so many levels.  So wrong.  On so many levels...

 

Donkey penis served on a bed of lettuce: For Chinese guests, eating the sexual organs is not a test of courage, but rather a treatment for the libido.

The jackass dick makes the yak look like a small fry, doesn't it.  As far as the libido issue I have one word ~ Viagra.  Or Cialis.  Or celibacy.  All three are better options then deep throating Eyeore ~ just sayin'...

Special thanks to my pal, DixCGirl for sharing this one with me.  And how appropriate that the word "dix" is in her name?  I heart irony.

 

For Those Who Live in the NorthEast...

This one's for you.  And quite frankly, I couldn't effing agree more...

From My Pal in Korea...

This made JillyD guffaw.  I love the word guffaw, don't you?

Thanks for the laugh, TashaV!  You rock the house, girl!

Let's Talk About Sex, Bay-Bee

** Warning Will Robinson: This post contains graphic terms and imagery of well, sex.  Not "sex" sex - but the things that you learned in the 5th grade.  In fact, all this stuff is from the 5th grade.  But if you're the least bit disturbed by images of swimming spermies and/or menstrual periods, step away from the computer right now.  If you're a boy that I work with you might want to step away too.  Rumor has it that my gynecological exam made some of you vomit blood.  This will too - just sayin'.  Considered yourself properly warned.  The End **

Last week, me and my BFF, Jenni from the Hood watched a couple sex movies.  Not porn, mind you.  Here's a little known fact about JillyD - I've never seen a porn movie.  That's something for my resume, no?  But enough of the porn and more about the sex movies.  They really were sex movies.  Those that will be shown to the entire 5th grade student body at The Girl's school.  Jenni wanted to watch them to "view the content."  I wanted to watch them because I'm immature as hell and felt the need to cackle like a deranged hen through all three of them. Yes, there were three.  And they were in VHS format.  When the hell was the last time you saw a VHS tape?  Probably back in the '80s when these pieces of crap were filmed...

We started out with "Growing Up for Girls" because we have girls.  And who really cares about the boys?  They sprout a few hairs and end up with erections every time they bump into a wall.  Big freakin' deal.  This is Tina Medina.  I shit you not, that was her name.  She's an idiot - just sayin'...

Tina told me how exciting it will be to have my period and how it won't hurt at all.  Clearly, Tina has never been plagued by menstrual cramps that could choke a large farm animal.  I have, just sayin'.  Tina also told me how comfortable maxi-pads are to wear.  Sure Tina, if you enjoy walking around with a loaf of bread stuffed in your underwear.  Speaking of underwear, she told me that I should change mine everyday.  Now there's some good advice.  Like I said, Tina Medina is an idiot and should be pummeled with tampons at the first opportunity.

Look what else Tina told me was going to happen to me...

Hair is going to sprout from my body in unruly tufts.  I only have two words for this chick in the photo - personal trimmer.  They sell those, you know.  Or you could just use your husband's beard trimmer.  Don't ask me how I know that - I just do.  Whatever option you choose, you've got to trim that shit up, sister.  Good Lord, the hedges need some serious pruning.  Not that nasty ass Tina mentioned that - I'm sure she's all for the "au naturel" look - just sayin'.  JillyD - not so much.

Did you know that "menstruation" has a "u" in it?  And it's pronounced with the long "u" sound?  Jenni from the Hood didn't.  She thought it was pronounced "menstration" - notice the lack of the "u" sound.  You learn something new everyday, don't you?  We also learned that the female egg is the largest cell in the body.  And that the root of all evil is sperm.  Keep those little bastards away from me, that's all I know.  Oh right, Mach One doesn't  have anymore sperm.  Well, he does but they're roadblocked by his cut, knotted and cauterized vas deferens.  At least they better be or I'll be going postal on a urologist in a town near me.  Here's some sperm in case your husband has had a vasectomy and you're feeling sentimental...

Speaking of vasectomies, and we were, weren't we?  Do you think Mach One's vas deferens was color coded like this picture?

Do you think there was a big arrow (and I do mean big) pointing out his penis?  As in, "This is the penis - don't cut here."  But cut through the blue tube making sure that you steer clear of the green tube.  I wonder if it was kind of like dismantling a bomb?  I'm thinking maybe it was.  But what the hell do I know?  I was reading a magazine in the waiting room while he was getting injections of novacaine in his scrotum.  And before you start feeling all sorry for him, I had two - count them, two - episiotomies.  If you're not sure what that is - go look it up.  Ok, I'll give you two hints - scissors and vagina.  But that' all I have to say about that.  Back to the movie...

Despite the extreme comfort of the mattress that can be strapped between your legs every 28 days, Tina fuckin' Medina also shared with me that I have a choice of using tampons as well.  This is what she recommends...

Obviously, Tina has never given birth.  Never pushed a child into the world via her vagina.  Because if she had, she would realize that one would require all four of these "junior absorbancy" tampons to be lassoed together like a firecracker to even halfway do the job.  But since she wasn't talking to me and Jenni but rather our budding pubescent daugthers, I'll cut her some slack.  But she's still a moron and I still hate her and her bad hair.

Just when I thought that Tina had won the prize for the biggest idiot on the planet, Jenni popped in the boys video.  God help me, this is what I saw...

This is Bob Wack-Me-Off.  I swear, that was his name.  And I'm pretty damn sure that he just stepped off the fuckin' Mayflower or Santa Maria.  What the hell is wrong with his hair?  And leather vest?  I'm pretty damn sure that Bob is a virgin and has no business teaching anyone about anything remotely sexual.  Ok, maybe masturbation - I'm sure he's well versed in that department.  But nothing that involves a real, live female - just sayin'.

So in a few months, when spring is in the air and the birds are singing and the bees are buzzing, The Girl will be subjected to Tina Medina and Bob Wack-Me-Off.  My only hope is that she'll be *slightly* more mature then I was when I watched this shit.  I think I may have peed on Jenni's couch from laughing my ass off.  The Girl is far more mature then her mother - that's hard to believe, isn't it?

Don't answer that.

Edjamacated?

I have no idea if this is true or not ~ but either way, it's funny as hell...

Okay so this is how the conversation went:

Walmart Employee:   “Hello ‘dis Walmarts, how can I help you?”

Customer: “ I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week.”

Walmart Employee: “What you want on the cake?”

Customer: “Best Wishes Suzanne” and underneath that “We will miss you”.

Walmart Employee: “Dat all? Okay, Bye.”

Seriously.....

JillyD's Thanksgiving photos coming up soon - be here or be square.

Who doesn't love YouTube?

Seriously - what the hell did I ever do in my life without YouTube?  And even better then YouTube is a freakin' hidden camera in a photo booth at a county fair in inner city LA.  Hidden cameras are the best - catching every moron on the planet in action.  And thanks to YouTube, here are the morons for your viewing pleasure. 

The two gals in the freeze frame above are an absolute hoot.  All hugging the despondent photo booth and shit.  And the detection of marijuana dude, not to mention the chick with her boob hanging out.  That's good, clean fun right there.  Enjoy!

What's In a Name?

I found this on another blog and thought it was funny as hell.  Play along with me, ok?  I'm dying to know what your stripper name is, so indulge me.  Please?

1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet & current car) - Misty Trailblazer

That is SO not a rock star name.  It might as well be Hannah Montana for shit sake.

2.YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (fav ice cream flavor, favorite cookie) - Rocky Road Fudge Stix

WTF?  Rocky Road Fudge Stix?  Seriously.  I deserve to be gunned down like Tupac for having a dumbass gangsta name like that one.

3. YOUR “FLY Guy/Girl” NAME: (first initial of first name, first three letters of your last name) JDea

Now you're talking!  JDea!  Hey JDea - that lipgloss be poppin', girl.  Do you pronounce that J-Dee or J-Dee-a?  Like diarrhea without the di?  I'll lay awake tonight pondering that - just sayin'.

4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal) - Purple Dog

That sounds like His Royal Badness' canine companion, doesn't it?  The Purple Dog is in The Purple Rain with Darling Nikki watching the Doves Cry.  At least he's not masturbating with her - for that we should be grateful.

5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born)- Marie Dearborn

I'm all about the soap opera name.  It's right up there with Laura Webber Baldwin Spencer, don't you think?  I wonder if Marie Dearborn would be a bitch?  I think she might be - at least when you catch her at the right (or wrong) time of her menstrual cycle.

6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first) - Deaji

What the hell is Deaji?  That's just fuckin' dumb, if you ask me.

7. SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd favorite color, favorite drink put “The”) - The Green Margarita

Be afraid - be very afraid.  Can you picture the costume that goes along with that bad ass name?  I think I just decided what I'm going to be for Halloween.  Raise your hand if you can't wait to see those pictures.

8. NASCAR NAME: (the first names of your grandfathers) - Howard William

Doesn't the name Howard suck?  There's not a damn thing you can do with it to make it sound good.  Howie, Ward?  Both of those suck.  It's just a suck name.

9. STRIPPER NAME: (the name of your favorite perfume/cologne, favorite candy) -Oscar Butterfinger

I'm sorry, but if that's not a drag queen name, I don't know what the hell is. 

10.WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother’s & father’s middle names) - Anne George

I think I knew someone named Anne George - no shit!  I wonder if she was in the witness protection program?  She had a St. Bernard that ate its own crap.  Nice, the things I remember about people, isn't it?  At least it wasn't her eating her own crap - just sayin'.

JillyD, I mean JDea can't wait to see how many drag queens we have onboard.  Sharing is good for the soul.  No lie.