** Warning Will Robinson: This post contains graphic terms and imagery of well, sex. Not "sex" sex - but the things that you learned in the 5th grade. In fact, all this stuff is from the 5th grade. But if you're the least bit disturbed by images of swimming spermies and/or menstrual periods, step away from the computer right now. If you're a boy that I work with you might want to step away too. Rumor has it that my gynecological exam made some of you vomit blood. This will too - just sayin'. Considered yourself properly warned. The End **
Last week, me and my BFF, Jenni from the Hood watched a couple sex movies. Not porn, mind you. Here's a little known fact about JillyD - I've never seen a porn movie. That's something for my resume, no? But enough of the porn and more about the sex movies. They really were sex movies. Those that will be shown to the entire 5th grade student body at The Girl's school. Jenni wanted to watch them to "view the content." I wanted to watch them because I'm immature as hell and felt the need to cackle like a deranged hen through all three of them. Yes, there were three. And they were in VHS format. When the hell was the last time you saw a VHS tape? Probably back in the '80s when these pieces of crap were filmed...
We started out with "Growing Up for Girls" because we have girls. And who really cares about the boys? They sprout a few hairs and end up with erections every time they bump into a wall. Big freakin' deal. This is Tina Medina. I shit you not, that was her name. She's an idiot - just sayin'...
Tina told me how exciting it will be to have my period and how it won't hurt at all. Clearly, Tina has never been plagued by menstrual cramps that could choke a large farm animal. I have, just sayin'. Tina also told me how comfortable maxi-pads are to wear. Sure Tina, if you enjoy walking around with a loaf of bread stuffed in your underwear. Speaking of underwear, she told me that I should change mine everyday. Now there's some good advice. Like I said, Tina Medina is an idiot and should be pummeled with tampons at the first opportunity.
Look what else Tina told me was going to happen to me...
Hair is going to sprout from my body in unruly tufts. I only have two words for this chick in the photo - personal trimmer. They sell those, you know. Or you could just use your husband's beard trimmer. Don't ask me how I know that - I just do. Whatever option you choose, you've got to trim that shit up, sister. Good Lord, the hedges need some serious pruning. Not that nasty ass Tina mentioned that - I'm sure she's all for the "au naturel" look - just sayin'. JillyD - not so much.
Did you know that "menstruation" has a "u" in it? And it's pronounced with the long "u" sound? Jenni from the Hood didn't. She thought it was pronounced "menstration" - notice the lack of the "u" sound. You learn something new everyday, don't you? We also learned that the female egg is the largest cell in the body. And that the root of all evil is sperm. Keep those little bastards away from me, that's all I know. Oh right, Mach One doesn't have anymore sperm. Well, he does but they're roadblocked by his cut, knotted and cauterized vas deferens. At least they better be or I'll be going postal on a urologist in a town near me. Here's some sperm in case your husband has had a vasectomy and you're feeling sentimental...
Speaking of vasectomies, and we were, weren't we? Do you think Mach One's vas deferens was color coded like this picture?
Do you think there was a big arrow (and I do mean big) pointing out his penis? As in, "This is the penis - don't cut here." But cut through the blue tube making sure that you steer clear of the green tube. I wonder if it was kind of like dismantling a bomb? I'm thinking maybe it was. But what the hell do I know? I was reading a magazine in the waiting room while he was getting injections of novacaine in his scrotum. And before you start feeling all sorry for him, I had two - count them, two - episiotomies. If you're not sure what that is - go look it up. Ok, I'll give you two hints - scissors and vagina. But that' all I have to say about that. Back to the movie...
Despite the extreme comfort of the mattress that can be strapped between your legs every 28 days, Tina fuckin' Medina also shared with me that I have a choice of using tampons as well. This is what she recommends...
Obviously, Tina has never given birth. Never pushed a child into the world via her vagina. Because if she had, she would realize that one would require all four of these "junior absorbancy" tampons to be lassoed together like a firecracker to even halfway do the job. But since she wasn't talking to me and Jenni but rather our budding pubescent daugthers, I'll cut her some slack. But she's still a moron and I still hate her and her bad hair.
Just when I thought that Tina had won the prize for the biggest idiot on the planet, Jenni popped in the boys video. God help me, this is what I saw...
This is Bob Wack-Me-Off. I swear, that was his name. And I'm pretty damn sure that he just stepped off the fuckin' Mayflower or Santa Maria. What the hell is wrong with his hair? And leather vest? I'm pretty damn sure that Bob is a virgin and has no business teaching anyone about anything remotely sexual. Ok, maybe masturbation - I'm sure he's well versed in that department. But nothing that involves a real, live female - just sayin'.
So in a few months, when spring is in the air and the birds are singing and the bees are buzzing, The Girl will be subjected to Tina Medina and Bob Wack-Me-Off. My only hope is that she'll be *slightly* more mature then I was when I watched this shit. I think I may have peed on Jenni's couch from laughing my ass off. The Girl is far more mature then her mother - that's hard to believe, isn't it?
Don't answer that.
