525,600 Minutes: What Happens in China, Stays in China

Unless of course you're BFF's with JillyD. If that's the case, what happens in China not only doesn't stay in China but ends up as fodder on JillyD's blog. Just sayin'. Such is the case for my pal, Pocket Aces. Pocket Aces - he's my BFF, Jenni in the Hood's love monkey. Speaking of a love monkey - and we were weren't we - raise your hand if you know what these are...

Anyone, anyone? Let's work with the monkey theme shall we? Let's move from love monkey to hmmm, let's see. How about spankin' the monkey? What's the main organ involved when one "spanks the monkey?" Ding, ding, ding. Or should I say, dong, dong, dong? Give yourself 5 points if you correctly answered, "Weiner, Alex." Give yourself an extra 5 points if you answered in the form of a question. Like this, "What is a weiner, Alex?" And you'll get an extra 2 points if you actually said "penis" instead of "weiner." But seriously, penis is so formal, don't you think? We're going with wiener, because let's face it, we're all friends right? No need for formal, medical terms here. Especially ones that involve the word penis. But back to China.

If you'll recall, weiners are served up on a regular basis in China. As in people eat them. Raise your hand if you've ever eaten a weiner. Wait. On second thought, I don't need to know that about you. Really, I don't need to know. Let me rephrase that. Have you ever eaten a DONKEY weiner? There, I feel so much better about the inappropriatness of that question. So, have you? Personally, I have not. Because I'd still be puking if I did - just sayin'. But even though I personally haven't had the pleasure of eating a donkey weiner, I know someone who has. Guess who that might be?

Oh hi, Pocket Aces and your friends. How's that weiner tasting? Pocket Aces is the stud on your right. I have no effin' idea who the hell the other dudes are. Fellow weiner eaters, that's all I know. And I'm I the only one that finds their happiness in said weiner eating to be highly disturbing? You'd think they would be much sadder at the thought of a donkey weiner heading toward their oral cavity - just sayin'.

So here's the story as relayed to me by my BFF, Jenni in the Hood. Pocket Aces - who whisked my BFF half way across the fuckin' world, but I'm not bitter - went on some "work" function with his fellow weiner eaters. Notice the quotations marks around work. That's JillyD being sarcastic. It rarely happens, I know. Anyway, part of the "team building" - there's those quotes again - revolved around an Amazing Race type of activity. Through fuckin' scary ass China. Can you imagine? I'm breaking out in hives just thinking about it. Apparently part of the Chinese Amazing Race that was taking place under the guise of work, brought Pocket Aces and his partners in crime to a weiner serving restaurant. Where they had to pick out a weiner to consume. Do you think you pick out a wiener like you choose a lobster from the tank? Do you go for the one with the greatest girth? Or the Slim Jim? Or the Tiny Tim. Let's see what Pocket Aces went with. Here are the options...

And the winner is...

Bottom row, fourth weiner from the left. Definitely Tiny Tim. Smart choice, my friend.

Can we take a brief moment to discuss why the nuts are encased in a clam shell? What the hell is up with that? Even the donkeys are worried about protecting the family jewels. It's like a cup for amputated weiners. Two words. Highly. Disturbing. Highly.

Pocket Aces and the weiner eaters had their own personal chef. Pocket Aces and the Weiner Eaters. That sounds like a band, doesn't it? I, for one, would buy their CD - just sayin'. So here's their chef preparing the "chosen one"...

Why does the image of Lorena Bobbett keep flashing in my mind? Because I'm clearly deranged. Clearly. But seriously, wasn't she the first person you thought of? You know you did.

So once said weiner has been chopped into yummy, bite size morsels, they were delivered to the anxiously awaiting patrons. Who as I said, look pretty damn happy to be eating Eyeore's schlong...

Even the chef is happy. Or is he just mocking them? I think we all know the answer to that, don't we?

Backwards Baseball Hat seems very interested in fondling the weiner that he's not eating. What the hell is up with that? Creeper...

Look - he's showing Pocket Aces the length of the weiner. He's telling Pocket Aces that the poor weiner-less donkey has nothing on him, dammit. He's telling Pocket Aces that his backwards wearing baseball hat weiner is a helluva lot bigger then that damn donkeys. Seriously, he is. I can read his lips. He's saying, "My weiner is MUCH bigger, Pocket Aces." At least the other guy has the sense to attempt to cover his eyes since he has zero interest - let's say it again, Joe Biden - zero interest in the length and or girth of Backward Baseball Hat's weiner.

But Backward Baseball Hat won't let it go. "Look, camera man, my weiner is bigger than this weiner." And as a side note, is Pocket Aces eating a nut? I'm sure the delicious dipping sauce has made him completely forget that he's getting ready to ingest a sperm filled nut. I think I just puked a little in my mouth. How about you?

And here's the money shot...

The shot that ultimately made them victorious in the Amazing Race. You read that right. Pocket Aces and his team won the race. But they ate a weiner. So are they really winners? I'm thinking no. But that's just me. And he's only been there for a little over a month. I'm not sure what to expect a year from now. But you damn well know that I'll share it with you. Because what happens in China won't stay in China. It will end up on an American blog near you. Just sayin'...