I heart music. Unless it's country music ~ that shit makes me want to pierce my eardrums with a sharp stick. Honestly, I just can't deal with it. That crap ass song about slammin' screen doors and yer momma don't know makes me want to slit my wrists ~ just sayin'.
Because I heart music, I'm one of those obnoxious folks who spend hundreds of dollars a year on ringtones for my cellphone. Ok, it's not hundreds of dollars ~ maybe fifty. Or more. Whatever. I like to share my uber cool ringtones as well. Most people aren't nearly as amused by them as me but most people aren't nearly as fun as me. My friends will attest to that. Won't you, friends? Friends? Hello?
So my latest ringtone is called "When I Grow Up" by The Pussycat Dolls. Remember them? Don'cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me? Don'cha? That used to be one of my ringtones once upon a time. Shocked, aren't ya? Anyway, the first time I heard When I Grow Up, I was convinced that the refrain went like this:
When I grow up, I wanna be famous, I wanna be a star, I wanna be in movies.
When I grow up, I wanna see the world, drive nice cars, I wanna have boobies.
I swear to God I thought they were saying "boobies." And I cackled in the car like a lunatic and turned it up full blast and made The Girl confirm that they did indeed say boobies. Boobies. Who the hell says boobies? What the hell ~ are The Pussycat Dolls three years old for fuck sake? The Girl confirmed they were saying boobies. And then we howled more. Aren't I a fine mother? Don't answer that.
The next day, my world was shattered when one of the four Cowgirl's explained to my immature ass that they were saying "groupies" ~ not boobies. Son of a bitch. Boobies is so much damn funnier than groupies. I damn near changed my ringtone at that point. But I had already forked out the $2.99 for it so I decided to keep it. And I say boobies anyway. Cuz let's face it, we all do want boobies when we grow up, right? I'm still waiting for my boobies and I'm 40. But that's another story for another day.
So this little boobie debacle got me to thinking about songs lyrics that me or my loved ones have totally fucked up in the past. My sister, BandCamp is the queen of the effed up lyrics. I spent most of my formative years mocking her for singing shit that was completely ridiculous. Let me share some of her greater moments with you. This will be fun, promise.
Maggie May by Rod Stewart
"All you did was wet my bed and in the morning kick me in the head..."
Why the hell would Maggie May have been peeing in Rod's bed? Wasn't he like 12 and she was about 50. If anybody would have been pissing the bed, it would have been him ~ just sayin'. But BandCamp was convinced that Maggie had some incontinence issue and poor Rod need one of those plastic mattress protectors.
Edge of Seventeen by Stevie Nicks
"Just like the one we love, sings a song, sound, sound she's singing."
What the hell? That's not even English for fuck's sake. Song, sound, sound she's singing? I know Stevie has spent the past three decades stoned out of her devil worshipping mind, but damn, I don't think she was that high. Apparently BandCamp did though since she spent all of 1981 saying, "song, sound, sound she's singing."
Apparently my children have acquired the fucked up song lyric gene from my sister. Remember the song "My Humps?" You know, "My humps, my lovely lady lumps ~ check it out." At the end of the uncensored song that my children know every word of, our boy Will.i.am goes into this mellow riff of, "So real, so real." Here's what I hear coming from my backseat...
"It's on the grill, it's on the grill..."
What the hell is on the grill? The lovely lady lumps? That's highly disturbing if I do say so myself. Not to mention, quite painful.
JillyD has a confession to make. I jacked up a song lyric once. But only once. I don't even know why I know this song but it's Blinded by The Light by the Manfred Mann's Earth Band. You know where I'm going with this, right?
Blinded by the light, revved up like a douche, another runner in the night.
Douche? As in Massengill Disposable? As in, "Mom, do you ever got that not so fresh, crotch rot feeling?" Here, let me share it with you...
That's so disturbing. So. very. disturbing. So I'm not exactly sure what the hell "revved up like a deuce" means but I felt better that they weren't being wrapped up like a douche. Do you even wrap up douche? Like a sanitary napkin? I can honestly say that JillyD has never been anywhere near a douche bag. JillyD has known douche bags ~ just sayin' ~ but I've never used one.
Time for all my faithful readers to fess up. Come on, you know you've effed up a song ~ at least once. Share your story. It will make my sister feel so much better.