High School Nude-ical

Raise your hand if you can give me the definition of a "neutical".  Anyone, anyone?  Bueller.  It's real, a neutical.  By defintion, it's a "testicular implant for pets."  Can you imagine?  You go out and lop Sparky's nuts off so he won't hump your husband's boss' wife's 90 year old mother when they come over for dinner.  But then you feel bad about the lopping off of the said nuts so you take out a second mortgage on your house so that you can buy Sparky a set of neuticals.  Any size he wants.  A size big enough to require him to wear underwear due to the obscenity of his big ass neuticals.  People do this - just sayin'.  But this isn't the type of neutical that I want to discuss today.  Although it makes for a great dinner conversation, wouldn't you agree?

Here's the nude-ical that I'm talking about.  Assuming you haven't been in a coma for the past week, there's no doubt that you heard about Vanessa Anne Hudgens and her own version of a nude-ical.  That would be a nude musical as compared to a prosthetic dog nut.  "Baby V" as her peeps call her, showed up nekkid on the internet.  Goody two shoes, Gabriella, broke out all the naughty bits.  Let's take a moment to discuss why this was really an idiotic decision on her part, shall we?

First and foremost - you work for Disney, Baby V.  Disney - like Mickey Mouse and Cinderella.  You've never seen them nekkid, have you?  I'm pretty sure that Cinderella wasn't texting crotch shots to Prince Charming.  And Mickey kept his mouse to himself, if you get my drift.  And Disney just offered you $1 million dollars to appear in High School Muscial 3.  And I'm almost positive that they don't want you nekkid in it.  Nor do they want all the pubescent boys who have now seen you nekkid, pretending you are nekkid.  All those little horndogs have spent the last two years trying to imagine you nekkid anyway.  Now you just gave the milk away for free.  I guess they're going to have to move onto Miley Cyrus.

Just to add a little more fodder, Baby V sent her nudie patootie shot to none other than Drake Bell.  Drake - like "Drake & Josh."  So now we know that Drake saw her nekkid - along with the rest of the free world - and now the damn Disney Channel is never going to be the same.  And apparently poor Josh got screwed because he's the fat guy and no hot chick is emailing him nudie shots of herself.  Once again, Drake gets all of the attention.  Bastard.

But the question does beg to be asked - was Drake the one that threw old Baby V under the bus by exposing (no pun intended) the racy photos?  He said he never got them.  Yeah right, dude.  That's why you've been camped out in your bathroom with your cell phone for the past two years.  Clearly someone was on the receiving end of them  And opted to hang onto them for oh, two years or so.  Just enough time for Baby V to be living it up with her new found fame & fortune and then in a blink of an eye - she's nekkid on the internet.

Raise your hand if you have nude photos of yourself.  Don't be embarrassed, it's ok if you do.  I'll just think you're a pervert but it's ok.  I can honestly say that I do not have any nekkid pictures of myself.  I don't even have any nudie baby shots.  I can hardly stand the sight of myself nude in real life - why in the hell would I want to capture that on film?  Honestly, it's not pretty.  But I'm always amazed at how many of these famous people end up with the nekkid photos, rearing their ugly heads, after they become famous.  Remember when Madonna was in Penthouse?  With the hairy pits?  Gross.  Once upon a time I had a collection of magazines that featured nude celebrities.  Madonna and her body hair, Sylvester Stallone's weiner.  I really can't watch the Rocky movies without visions of the "Italian Stallion."  It's a little disturbing.

In defense of Baby V, it wasn't like she freaking killed anyone or anything.  She was naked - big deal.  Quite frankly, if I was as damn cute as her, I'd be naked all the time.  Going to the grocery store, dropping the kids off at school.  I'd be doing all that naked if I looked like Baby V - just sayin'.  We also have to realize that Baby V and Drake Bell and Zac Efron are all actually grown ups.  They're not really juniors in high school - they just play them on TV.  So if Baby V wants to get her freak on with Drake, who are we to judge?  Personally, if I was her, I'd stick with Zac Efron.  Wouldn't you?  Helloooo, Zac...

Given all the trouble that her kooky Hollywood counterparts have found themselves in lately, I think that Vanessa and her nekkidness is pretty low on the crime scale.  Was she stupid?  Totally.  Was she as stupid as Britney or Lindsay or Paris or Nicole.  I don't think so.  A nekkid photo isn't going to kill anyone like say, drunk driving.  Or being a crackhead or whatever the hell else issues these other starlets are sporting.

I told The Girl about the pictures and she was like, "Why would she do that?"  I told her it's because she's a slut, obviously.  I really didn't.  I just think it's funny that The Girl is still naive enough to wonder why in the hell Drake would possibly want to see a nekkid picture of Baby V.  I'm sure in a few years from now, it will totally click.  She'll wake me up at 2:00 am just to let me know that she knows.

Now there's something to look forward to...

Comments

[Mach One]

I will add that to my list of things to look forward to. Right there with our kids getting a drivers license. At least she no longer thinks that the Secretary of State is going to provide a car of her choice.

[Kristen]

gosh, zac efron is so hott :]

[Josh]

Dude! Jilly-D! Finally someone understands the hell that it is to be me.

Not only does Drake get all of the girls on our television show - but he gets nekkid photos emailed to his cell phone.

Does that happen to me? Neva!

I lost all that weight, and still - nothing.

Anyway, thanks for the shout-out in your blog. I really appreciate it. Not as much as I'd appreciate nekkid photos of Baby V, I'm just sayin'