Commercials & Dr. Ruth

Here's a little unknown tidbit about JillyD.  I like commercials.  In fact, there are some that I not only like - but I heart.  Not all commercials, mind you.  I can really do without any that deal with erectile dysfunction.  I clearly have no room for Cialis in my world considering that I'm married to the very virile Mach One.  ED is not an issue in our household - just sayin'.

Most of the commercials that I heart are from the always enjoyable cell phone carriers.  One of my personal favorites is from I don't know who - but the Mom is nagging the shit out of her kid about her excess text messaging.  You know the one I'm talking about - the Mom asks the bratty ass kid who she's been texting for 23 of the 24 hours in a day and bratty ass says, "IDK, my BFF Jill."  And then the Mom has no clue what the hell she's talking about but wants to give the overall appearance of coolness & hipness so she starts to rag on the kid using letters.  That one's a freaking hoot.

The other one that makes me howl is the "Who's in your 5?"  Is that T-Mobile?  I think it is.  Where the dad asks the daughter if she's picked her five friends and she says, "Yeah - Julie, Jackie, Sarah, Lori, and Sue."  Or some combination of five girl names.  Then the dad looks at the zitty, pubescent brother and asks him who he picked and he says, "Julie, Jackie, Sarah, Lori & Sue - her friends are hot!"  The sister gets pissed and asks the Casper Milktoast dad if he's going to do anything about Testosterone Timmy and the dad says, "Maybe you should get uglier friends."  I nearly peed my pants the first time I saw that one mainly because Mach One would give the same answer.  It's like the writer was spying on us a the dinner table - no shit.

But commercials aren't always funny in a good way.  Sometimes they put parents in a really bad spot.  Case in point - have you seen the commercial for Valtrex?  Valtrex - that would be medication for genital herpes.  For the love of God, is it really necessary to discuss genital herpes and the treatment of said crotch rot on public television?  During the Bear Grylls show that is being watched by my 10 year old?  I'm pretty sure the answer to that is no, it's not necessary.  Too bad they showed it every 5 minutes during the course of the hour long show.  I wonder if Bear has genital herpes?  I'm sure he could find some kind of magic plant in the Amazon to rub on Little Bear and make it all better.  That guy is unreal - in a sort of good looking, urine drinking, grub eating way.  But I digress.

So the Valtrex commercial airs 532 times in 60 minutes.  I'm sure it wasn't that many but it sure as hell seemed like it.  You know the commerical, right?  The guy says, "I have genital herpes.  Because I'm a man-whore and couldn't keep it in my pants so I got what I deserved and oozy blisters break out on my penis every few months as punishment for my man-whore ways."  And the girl says, "And I don't have genital herpes.  But I'm so desperate for a man that I'll risk my own genital region because I'm desperate enough to sleep with man-whore.  I have low self esteem and apparently think that I can't do better than kicking it with Blister Boy."  And then they both say, "And we're trying to keep it that way."  Yeah, sure you are.  I'm sure Man-Whore is all about abstaining from s-e-x during his problem time of the month.  And the dumbass girl just looks at him all lovingly and shit.  Like she couldn't find herself a man that doesn't have an STD?  Seriously.

So after seeing this little beauty so many times I was ready to pluck my eyebrows out one by one, the following conversation takes place:

The Girl:  What is genital herpicide?

JillyD: What?

The Girl: What is genital herpicide?  What's that medicine for?

JillyD: It would be genital herpes.  It's a nasty ass, incurable disease that results in crusty, oozy blisters on "your area."  Did I mention it was incurable?  Keep that in mind, ok?

The Girl: Well, he said he had it and she said she didn't and they were trying to keep it that way.  Why exactly would their "areas" be touching?  Would his area have to touch her area for him to give it to her?

Have you ever seen JillyD look like a deer in headlights?  It's most unattractive.  And Mach One decided that it would be a great time to exit the room in a gust of hysterical, hyena-like laughter.  Whatever, dude.  Now based on the fact that I actually told her what genital herpes was and where it was located, you can tell that I'm a pretty open individual.  I'm not really hung up on a lot of things.  I've had all sorts of "talks" with The Girl.  Puberty, periods - she's an expert in all things that start with the letter P.  I sure as hell didn't want her to end up like Carrie, bleeding in the shower during gym class and having bee-atches chuck tampons at her.  I'd have to go kick their asses if they did that - just sayin'.

The one talk that I haven't been able to muster up the courage for is "that" talk.  As in the "intercourse" one.  Typing intercourse makes me giggle - you can imagine what happens when I actually say the word.  Which is part of the reason that I haven't broached the subject yet with The Girl.  Because I know that I'll be hysterical laughing and I know that she's going to look at me with the, "Are you fucking kidding me?" look.  You know that look.  It's the same look that we all had on our faces when we discovered exactly how babies were made.  And then if you were female, the same look was mirrored on your face when you discovered exactly how said baby made its entrance into the world.  We all know the look - we just try not to talk about it.

So being the mature person that I am, I asked who wanted ice cream and managed to dodge the bullet, one more time.  But at some point, I need to address it.  So if any of my faithful readers have any suggestions for me on this one, please share them.  Please?  Worse case scenario, she'll learn about it on the playground like the rest of us, right?  But I'd prefer to be a little more proactive.  I just need to not laugh.  But it's funny, don't you think?  Think about "the act" - it's funny as hell. 

The good news is that despite the fact that she has no idea how one contracts the dreaded genital herpes, she sure as hell knows it's incurable.  And she needs to stay away, far, far away from anything resembling a man-whore.  And she's also very well versed on cell phone carriers - just sayin'.

Comments

[cowgirls'mom]

Being the mother of four daughters, I fashion myself somewhat of an expert so here is my best advise:

Stick with the ice cream ploy! Kate is 18 and it's still is working just fine! If they press the subject, bring out the sprinkles and chocolate sauce:)

[Triple L]

I personally believe that you gave the best answer possible. Another words I agree with cowgirls' mom. They don't need to know that stuff at 10. When the question gets put to me I just might bury my head in the sand or better yet get out the ice cream and sprinkles.

[TashaV]

Sorry, ladies..I disagree!! My 8 year old son was asking what "sexy" and "sex" meant all last summer. He told me he was hearing these words on the school bus...nice, right??? He is kind of an intellect. So...I decided to trot over to the local bookstore and purchase a book for him to read. The lady was so helpful with finding the right book. The one I chose was written by the creators of the cartoon Arthur so it was very kid friendly and not too detailed-can't remember the name of it right now. I told him to read it and he could ask me questions or talk about it when he felt like it. It has been a year now and he asks me questions every now and again. It was hard at first..but now I really feel a sense of relief. I felt so uncomfortable talking about it so I guess I "passed the buck" to a book. It worked for me!!! Good luck JillyD.

[Uncle Garr]

"The Talk" is on Uncle Garr's list of "Things to Get Done Before Summer Ends." The fifth graders get the whole shootin' match (GET IT?) talk this year and, like you, I want to be proactive. Maybe we could tag team and do it together?

Ugh. Where's that ice cream?

[DebbieDot]

Like TashaV, I plan to use a book as the intro to this topic. My son has already asked a few questions about where babies come from and such. He's only just turning 8, but has shown an unseemly interest in a Victoria's Secret catalog that I left around once - so I figured I better get prepared.

We went to the library last week and as we were walking out a book caught my eye - it is called, "Dr. Ruth Talks To Kids: Where You Came From, How Your Body Changes, and What Sex Is All About"

Here it is on amazon:

http://www.amazon.com/Dr-Ruth-Talks-Kids-Changes/dp/0689820410/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/105-1339422-7533243?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1186506015&sr=8-1

I read the whole thing in an hour. It's written for the child, not the parent, but I wanted to learn what Dr. Ruth had to say. It's not something that I will share with my son for another couple of years - but it made me at least feel like I'm a bit more prepared if he asks me questions in the meantime.

[Mach One]

I never had any talks growing up. My parents must have figure my time working on the local animal farms was all that was needed. Maybe the next time we are at my parents we can go visit a few;-)

[Trixie Shorte']

Oh, yeah, I'm a big Chicken - ran straight to my friend with the bookstore and ordered 4 books to take away the fear. Got them, read them . . . still had to talk to her. But I'll tell you, pal . . . it was a blessing - as it will be with you. You are so in love with that girl that this journey together will just make you stronger and that much more giddy that you are sharing the world with each other.
An excellent book that we both like is "What's the Big Deal? Why God Cares About Sex." by Stan & Brenna Jones. It's designed for ages 8 to 11 and is a fun and easy read for the young one. All of the basics are covered along with 'Why do a lot of people - even teenagers - have sex with their boyfriends or girlfriends before Marriage?, 'What is AIDS?', 'What is Sexual Abuse?'. It's pretty thorough and puts all things in a great context: Sex, sexuality and excitement along with the responsibility to continue being the person God wants us to be. I highly recommend it. Our friend with the bookstore got one for herself, also.
So, take a deep breath and say the whole :
"So, the sperm and egg meet during sexual intercourse when a man and a woman fit his penis into her vagina . . . It feels awesome to share this special closeness when you love somebody . . . "
Then exhale. . . And enjoy the rest of the summer with this secret of life that you are sharing knowingly with each other.
Peace!

[Miller Lite]

Boy Jill,

I haven't been able to read your blog in a few days. You did get many responses to this entry!!! I have no advice, I'm not ready to go there yet!!! It will happen soon enough! Let me know what advice works!!