The Grapevine

As you can tell from yesterday's post, I've been feeling a little protective of my offspring as of late.  I happen to like both of them - A LOT.  And when folks in these parts have things less than nice to say about the fruit of my womb, I'll rip their fuckin' heads off - just sayin'.

About a month ago, I heard through the grapevine that a certain insane mother in The Boy's kindergarten class put on a lovely display of her insanity for the general public attending field day and called The Boy a "jerk" in front of the teacher and several mom's who were filling water ballons and trying to keep the kids from dying of dehydration in the 90 degree weather.

Let me tell you something about the "grapevine" at our school.  It's very short.  It's the Shorty McShort Short of grapevines.  My spawn attend a very small, very private, very Catholic elementary school.  Private only in the sense that it's not a public school.  Not private in the sense that everyone knows everyone else's business.  We know who's getting divorced, who's making out with a man who's NOT her husband at the local gas station and who calls someone's seven year old kid a jerk before the papers are signed, the clothes are put back on and the words are out of her mouth.  That's how s-m-all our grapevine is.  So despite the fact that I wasn't there when this loser called my kid a jerk, I knew about it within nanoseconds.  Seriously - our grapevine is like the Bat phone - direct access.  Before we go any further, we need to give this loser a name.  Thinking, thinking.  Her first name starts with "L" so let's go with Loser, shall we?  Loser with a capital L - that makes it most official.

So Loser calls my kid a jerk (not with a capital J) and I find out about it.  Now did I mention it's not a good idea to eff with my kids?  I think I did.  Based on that fact, I decided that no bad deed would go unnoticed and I was calling her ass out on it.  So I waited for the perfect opportunity.  Stalking my prey in the night.  Actually, it wasn't in the night - it was in the middle of the afternoon at a roller rink.  But night time sounds scarier.  Anyway, the jerk, um, I mean The Boy had a birthday party yesterday and guess who was there?  Loooo-Sah!

I walk into the place and she all smiles at me and is like, "Boy, you're tan!"  Tee hee, whoo hooo, ha ha.  Like we're BFF's and all.  And the first words out of my tan mouth are, "Bet you're glad to see I brought the jerk with me, aren't you?"  She blanched.  The Girl told me that she was pretty sure that she crapped her pants - that would be Loser, not The Girl.  I didn't smell any feces so I'm not sure about the state of her underwear.  But I've seen corpses with better color.  She was so busted and she so knew it.  So she decided that she wanted to "talk" about it. 

Our talk consisted of me telling her that I was horrified by how inappropriate she was and that I sincerely hoped that no one ever made her feel about her son the way she made me feel about mine.  Then she cried.  Big crocodile tears.  And just for the record, I never raised my voice or cursed at her.  Which is huge for me.  Definitely a step in my maturity process.  And we all know how mature I am.  I also told her that her "friends" totally threw her under the bus.  THUD.  I forgot to mention that after her maniacal outburst at field day, our favorite teacher, SuperStar laid into her - big time.  SuperStar is The Boy's biggest fan and didn't take kindly to Loser call her boy a jerk.  So Loser felt compelled to approach each person who heard her make an ass of herself and ask that they not "say" anything because she really didn't mean it.  Apparently her pea brain had been taken over by aliens and she couldn't be held responsible for what words were formed in her mouth.

Back to the confrontation.  So I told her that her friends squashed her like a bug and that she learned a life lesson from that day - don't say shit that you don't want to get back to people.  Remember the grapevine?  She continued to cry and told me that she had gone to confession.  I told her that was a good place to start - make your peace with God.  She said that she didn't think The Boy was a jerk and that she really likes me and doesn't want us to be enemies.  Ummm - too late.  She wasn't my friend before and she sure as hell didn't win any friend points by berating my child.  Then she cried more and apologized.  Like the mature, rockin' blogger chick that I am, I accepted her apology and thanked her for it.  And I didn't swear at her.  Can you believe that?  Out of the entire confrontation process, nary a curse word left my lips.  I really am growing up....

So the moral of this story, and there is a moral, is:  Don't eff with JillyD's kids.  It's not pretty and results in soiled undies.  That is most unattractive.

Comments

[cowgirls'mom]

I am so proud of how you handled this - can't say that I'd be so controlled. You rock, JillyD!

[Yo]

I know we've discussed this; however, can 7 year olds officially be "jerks" or are they simply being "7"? Doesn't being a "jerk" take a conscious, concerted effort? Loser must have some perfectly wonderful, well-behaved at all times, children. Based on the example she is setting, I seriously doubt it!!! Way to go JillyD!!

[Mach One]

I have seen her kids in action and they are not perfectly wonderful and well behaved. I would not call them jerks, but I like to think that I have a little common sense. The word wild comes to mind, but that is just me. I am proud of how you handled her.

[Wyseguy]

Nobody calls my motorcyle ridin buddy a jerk. I'm glad you got it straightend out cause I would.......!! and she wouldn't like it- just sayin'

[Wenchy]

Ha!!! Yay! You are fabulous.

[KDAWG]

hahahaha, you actually got to say your peace.cuz nobody calls my lil cuz a jerk. =]