525,600 Minutes

The American Music Awards

So I've been gone a week and my first post back is about the American Music Awards.  Or AMA's if you're one of the cool kids.  Did you watch them last night?  The AMAs - not the cool kids.  Let's rehash some of the highlights, shall we?  C'mon - it will be fun.

Fergie - JillyD loves, loves and triple loves Fergie.  Although I must say that it's hard for me to look at her without imagining her smoking a crystal meth bong.  Is that what you do with crystal meth?  Smoke it?  What the hell do I know - I only drink margaritas.  But I've seen the Faces of Meth with all those losers and their oozing pustules and I just start humming, "If you ain't got no money take your broke ass home."  But all previous drug addictions aside, Fergie rocked the damn house.  Although she does look like she's been around the block a few times - or forty.  But at least her pustules have cleared up - just sayin'.

The Jonas Brothers - Did you see the middle brother fall on his ass in front of 10 billion people?  Seriously.  At first I felt bad for him.  Then I realized that he's like 12 and has more money then I'll ever have in my lifetime.  Then I just laughed at him.  What a dumbass.

Whoever the hell the shitty band was that slaughtered the Beyonce song - Who the eff were they?  And why are they famous?  My God, it was like freaking nails on a chalkboard.  It's no secret that JillyD thinks that country music should be illegal.  Seriously, I hate it that damn much.  Frankly, it makes me vomit blood.  As if it's not bad enough that they even let these goat ropers perfom on the AMAs (remember, we're the cool kids) they let them torture and kill Beyonce's song.  Oh but wait, it gets worse...

Beyonce - What the fuck were you thinking, Beyonce?  You should have had a smackdown with those goat ropers - gone all ghetto and shit on them - for slaying your shining glory of a song.  But no - you have to go out there and sing with them.  It was a disaster.  Kind of like your name.  Who looks at their newborn and automatically thinks "Beyonce" - she's definitely a Beyonce.  Beyonce isn't even a real name for shit sake.  And speaking of naming Beyonce, did you see her dad?  He had on a sweater.  An orange sweater with buttons.  It was like a cashmere henley.  Do you not own a suit Beyonce's dad?  I'm not even talking a tux, dude - just a suit would have worked.  His daughter was being awarded the International Artist award and he looked like he was heading out with my dad to play 18 holes.  So not only does Beyonce's dad have taste for shit when it comes to picking names for his offspring, he wears ugly ass clothes too.  At least he didn't fall down in front of 10 billion people.

Daughtry - I kind of got sick of them winning.  And all their songs sound the same.  But I enjoy the fact that Chris Daughtry's wife is a chubbette like me.  He likes fat chicks, old hottie pants Chris.  I love that about him.  What I don't love is that his eyes and the permanent eyeliner make him look like Satan.  But at least he didn't fall down in front of 10 billion people.  Have I mentioned that the pubescent Jonas kid fell down in front of 10 billion people?  And I laughed my ass off?

Queen Latifah - who the hell knew that she could sing?  Damn, she was awesome.  The only song that I know of her's is "U N I T Y."  "That's a unity - U N I T Y - who you calling a bitch?"  I think the klutz ass Jonas brother probably called someone a bitch - probably one of his brothers - after he fell his ass down.

Oh hell, let's just watch it again...

Remember - he's got more money then any of us will ever see in our lifetime.  Feel free to laugh your ass off at him as well.  I'm going to watch it again.  And again and again.  Just sayin'...

High School Nude-ical

Raise your hand if you can give me the definition of a "neutical".  Anyone, anyone?  Bueller.  It's real, a neutical.  By defintion, it's a "testicular implant for pets."  Can you imagine?  You go out and lop Sparky's nuts off so he won't hump your husband's boss' wife's 90 year old mother when they come over for dinner.  But then you feel bad about the lopping off of the said nuts so you take out a second mortgage on your house so that you can buy Sparky a set of neuticals.  Any size he wants.  A size big enough to require him to wear underwear due to the obscenity of his big ass neuticals.  People do this - just sayin'.  But this isn't the type of neutical that I want to discuss today.  Although it makes for a great dinner conversation, wouldn't you agree?

Here's the nude-ical that I'm talking about.  Assuming you haven't been in a coma for the past week, there's no doubt that you heard about Vanessa Anne Hudgens and her own version of a nude-ical.  That would be a nude musical as compared to a prosthetic dog nut.  "Baby V" as her peeps call her, showed up nekkid on the internet.  Goody two shoes, Gabriella, broke out all the naughty bits.  Let's take a moment to discuss why this was really an idiotic decision on her part, shall we?

First and foremost - you work for Disney, Baby V.  Disney - like Mickey Mouse and Cinderella.  You've never seen them nekkid, have you?  I'm pretty sure that Cinderella wasn't texting crotch shots to Prince Charming.  And Mickey kept his mouse to himself, if you get my drift.  And Disney just offered you $1 million dollars to appear in High School Muscial 3.  And I'm almost positive that they don't want you nekkid in it.  Nor do they want all the pubescent boys who have now seen you nekkid, pretending you are nekkid.  All those little horndogs have spent the last two years trying to imagine you nekkid anyway.  Now you just gave the milk away for free.  I guess they're going to have to move onto Miley Cyrus.

Just to add a little more fodder, Baby V sent her nudie patootie shot to none other than Drake Bell.  Drake - like "Drake & Josh."  So now we know that Drake saw her nekkid - along with the rest of the free world - and now the damn Disney Channel is never going to be the same.  And apparently poor Josh got screwed because he's the fat guy and no hot chick is emailing him nudie shots of herself.  Once again, Drake gets all of the attention.  Bastard.

But the question does beg to be asked - was Drake the one that threw old Baby V under the bus by exposing (no pun intended) the racy photos?  He said he never got them.  Yeah right, dude.  That's why you've been camped out in your bathroom with your cell phone for the past two years.  Clearly someone was on the receiving end of them  And opted to hang onto them for oh, two years or so.  Just enough time for Baby V to be living it up with her new found fame & fortune and then in a blink of an eye - she's nekkid on the internet.

Raise your hand if you have nude photos of yourself.  Don't be embarrassed, it's ok if you do.  I'll just think you're a pervert but it's ok.  I can honestly say that I do not have any nekkid pictures of myself.  I don't even have any nudie baby shots.  I can hardly stand the sight of myself nude in real life - why in the hell would I want to capture that on film?  Honestly, it's not pretty.  But I'm always amazed at how many of these famous people end up with the nekkid photos, rearing their ugly heads, after they become famous.  Remember when Madonna was in Penthouse?  With the hairy pits?  Gross.  Once upon a time I had a collection of magazines that featured nude celebrities.  Madonna and her body hair, Sylvester Stallone's weiner.  I really can't watch the Rocky movies without visions of the "Italian Stallion."  It's a little disturbing.

In defense of Baby V, it wasn't like she freaking killed anyone or anything.  She was naked - big deal.  Quite frankly, if I was as damn cute as her, I'd be naked all the time.  Going to the grocery store, dropping the kids off at school.  I'd be doing all that naked if I looked like Baby V - just sayin'.  We also have to realize that Baby V and Drake Bell and Zac Efron are all actually grown ups.  They're not really juniors in high school - they just play them on TV.  So if Baby V wants to get her freak on with Drake, who are we to judge?  Personally, if I was her, I'd stick with Zac Efron.  Wouldn't you?  Helloooo, Zac...

Given all the trouble that her kooky Hollywood counterparts have found themselves in lately, I think that Vanessa and her nekkidness is pretty low on the crime scale.  Was she stupid?  Totally.  Was she as stupid as Britney or Lindsay or Paris or Nicole.  I don't think so.  A nekkid photo isn't going to kill anyone like say, drunk driving.  Or being a crackhead or whatever the hell else issues these other starlets are sporting.

I told The Girl about the pictures and she was like, "Why would she do that?"  I told her it's because she's a slut, obviously.  I really didn't.  I just think it's funny that The Girl is still naive enough to wonder why in the hell Drake would possibly want to see a nekkid picture of Baby V.  I'm sure in a few years from now, it will totally click.  She'll wake me up at 2:00 am just to let me know that she knows.

Now there's something to look forward to...

What Time is It? Summertime!

For those of you who own a child in the say, 18 or under set, you'll totally understand the title of the post.  What time is it?  Summertime!  It's our vacation.  You really have to sing it to get the full effect.  Why is that, you ask?  Because that is the opening song to the long awaited, highly anticipated, hormonefest known as High School Musical 2!  That's right, baby - the big debut was Friday night and we threw a party.  You'll remember the fanfare around the original High School Musical.  We had to do something equally exciting for the sequel.  And it gave me an excuse to drink margaritas with my friends.  What's not to love?  Nothing, that's what.  Here are a few photos from the shindig.  Don't you love the word "shindig" - it's right up there with buffoon & fuckwit in JillyD's book of favorites.

The Management (that would be me) requested that each invitee lay a big, fat kiss on Zac Efron upon entry.  I'm sure I could go to jail for thinking that he's as cute as I think that he is.  No harm done as long as my lust stops there.  Which it does - just sayin'.  But he is a hottie pants in a barely past puberty sort of way.  Here's The Girl's BFF, Sharpay, getting ready to greet Zac.  Pucker up, baby!

Oh look, MammaDuff found the margaritas!  Yet another reason that I love MammaDuff - she loves margaritas as much as JillyD.  You know what they say about birds of a feather.  They drink margaritas together.  That's exactly what they do...

Sugar was the main course for the evening.  I threw in some pizza just to make myself feel better.  But who was I kidding?  Gummy worms, Ring Pops, Blow Pops, Popcorn.  If it popped, the tweeners ate it.  The mom's, on the other hand, indulged in yummy appetizers, The Pioneer Woman's shrimp recipe, chicken kabobs & caramel brownies.  And we didn't want to share it with our spawn.  The Hot & Ready pizzas were more than sufficient to soak up all the sugar that was being sucked down.  Here's a lovely pose that will be showing up at all of their graduation parties in a few years...

The ingestion of a ridiculous amount of sugar in turn leads to a ridiculous amount of energy.  Which in turn leads to turning in the yard.  Here's The Girl attempting a somersault.  I think this shot is going to come in quite handy when I need to explain to The Boy how babies are born.  I believe I'm going to blow this up to poster size and use it as a prop.  What do you think?

The cast of characters: JillyWilly (not to be confused with JillyD), The Girl, KateyBug, Cowgirl & SammyMaiz (aka Sharpay).  Aren't they fab-u?

But even more fab-u would be their super cool, super thin, beyond lovely mothers - aka "JillyD's homies!"  These hot mommas (did I mention how thin we are?) include Cowgirls' Mom, Jeannie Weenie (that's JillyWilly's mom), JillyD, MammaDuff and Jenni in the Hood.  Yo missed the party because her spawn had diarrhea that day - but we won't talk about that because then our guts will start to rumble.  The power of suggestion can be brutal.  Back to my hottie friends...

Holy Mary, Mother of God.  The moment that we've all been waiting for.  Armed with popcorn and ring pops, the dream finally becomes a reality.  This was the last that we saw or heard from them for 2 full hours.  Except for commercials. Then they needed more sugar.  It's all about sugar in my house - just sayin'...

The next morning.  I'm pretty sure the mom's felt the same way.  But we didn't get our picture taken.  You can only imagine how we looked after 2 gallons of margaritas.  Pretty much older versions of this.  But we're still skinny in case you were wondering...

Mach One to the rescue.  Chocolate chip pancakes, bacon & SunnyD - the breakfast of champions.  And all this time you thought it was Wheaties, didn't you?

Wide awake now!  And The Girl actually let The Boy back into the house and allowed him to breathe the same air as her friends.  She suggested duct taping him in the garage so he wouldn't bug her during the movie but we compromised and he went fishing with Mach One, T-Man & Pocket Aces.  He owes me big for coming up with an alternate option to his sister's plan...

The perfect ending to a perfect party.  The Girl & her girls!

We're already planning our HSM 3 party!  And the HSM Graduation and the HSM Wedding and the HSM Baby Shower and the HSM Births.  The options are endless.  Which means the margaritas will be flowing for a long time!

Commercials & Dr. Ruth

Here's a little unknown tidbit about JillyD.  I like commercials.  In fact, there are some that I not only like - but I heart.  Not all commercials, mind you.  I can really do without any that deal with erectile dysfunction.  I clearly have no room for Cialis in my world considering that I'm married to the very virile Mach One.  ED is not an issue in our household - just sayin'.

Most of the commercials that I heart are from the always enjoyable cell phone carriers.  One of my personal favorites is from I don't know who - but the Mom is nagging the shit out of her kid about her excess text messaging.  You know the one I'm talking about - the Mom asks the bratty ass kid who she's been texting for 23 of the 24 hours in a day and bratty ass says, "IDK, my BFF Jill."  And then the Mom has no clue what the hell she's talking about but wants to give the overall appearance of coolness & hipness so she starts to rag on the kid using letters.  That one's a freaking hoot.

The other one that makes me howl is the "Who's in your 5?"  Is that T-Mobile?  I think it is.  Where the dad asks the daughter if she's picked her five friends and she says, "Yeah - Julie, Jackie, Sarah, Lori, and Sue."  Or some combination of five girl names.  Then the dad looks at the zitty, pubescent brother and asks him who he picked and he says, "Julie, Jackie, Sarah, Lori & Sue - her friends are hot!"  The sister gets pissed and asks the Casper Milktoast dad if he's going to do anything about Testosterone Timmy and the dad says, "Maybe you should get uglier friends."  I nearly peed my pants the first time I saw that one mainly because Mach One would give the same answer.  It's like the writer was spying on us a the dinner table - no shit.

But commercials aren't always funny in a good way.  Sometimes they put parents in a really bad spot.  Case in point - have you seen the commercial for Valtrex?  Valtrex - that would be medication for genital herpes.  For the love of God, is it really necessary to discuss genital herpes and the treatment of said crotch rot on public television?  During the Bear Grylls show that is being watched by my 10 year old?  I'm pretty sure the answer to that is no, it's not necessary.  Too bad they showed it every 5 minutes during the course of the hour long show.  I wonder if Bear has genital herpes?  I'm sure he could find some kind of magic plant in the Amazon to rub on Little Bear and make it all better.  That guy is unreal - in a sort of good looking, urine drinking, grub eating way.  But I digress.

So the Valtrex commercial airs 532 times in 60 minutes.  I'm sure it wasn't that many but it sure as hell seemed like it.  You know the commerical, right?  The guy says, "I have genital herpes.  Because I'm a man-whore and couldn't keep it in my pants so I got what I deserved and oozy blisters break out on my penis every few months as punishment for my man-whore ways."  And the girl says, "And I don't have genital herpes.  But I'm so desperate for a man that I'll risk my own genital region because I'm desperate enough to sleep with man-whore.  I have low self esteem and apparently think that I can't do better than kicking it with Blister Boy."  And then they both say, "And we're trying to keep it that way."  Yeah, sure you are.  I'm sure Man-Whore is all about abstaining from s-e-x during his problem time of the month.  And the dumbass girl just looks at him all lovingly and shit.  Like she couldn't find herself a man that doesn't have an STD?  Seriously.

So after seeing this little beauty so many times I was ready to pluck my eyebrows out one by one, the following conversation takes place:

The Girl:  What is genital herpicide?

JillyD: What?

The Girl: What is genital herpicide?  What's that medicine for?

JillyD: It would be genital herpes.  It's a nasty ass, incurable disease that results in crusty, oozy blisters on "your area."  Did I mention it was incurable?  Keep that in mind, ok?

The Girl: Well, he said he had it and she said she didn't and they were trying to keep it that way.  Why exactly would their "areas" be touching?  Would his area have to touch her area for him to give it to her?

Have you ever seen JillyD look like a deer in headlights?  It's most unattractive.  And Mach One decided that it would be a great time to exit the room in a gust of hysterical, hyena-like laughter.  Whatever, dude.  Now based on the fact that I actually told her what genital herpes was and where it was located, you can tell that I'm a pretty open individual.  I'm not really hung up on a lot of things.  I've had all sorts of "talks" with The Girl.  Puberty, periods - she's an expert in all things that start with the letter P.  I sure as hell didn't want her to end up like Carrie, bleeding in the shower during gym class and having bee-atches chuck tampons at her.  I'd have to go kick their asses if they did that - just sayin'.

The one talk that I haven't been able to muster up the courage for is "that" talk.  As in the "intercourse" one.  Typing intercourse makes me giggle - you can imagine what happens when I actually say the word.  Which is part of the reason that I haven't broached the subject yet with The Girl.  Because I know that I'll be hysterical laughing and I know that she's going to look at me with the, "Are you fucking kidding me?" look.  You know that look.  It's the same look that we all had on our faces when we discovered exactly how babies were made.  And then if you were female, the same look was mirrored on your face when you discovered exactly how said baby made its entrance into the world.  We all know the look - we just try not to talk about it.

So being the mature person that I am, I asked who wanted ice cream and managed to dodge the bullet, one more time.  But at some point, I need to address it.  So if any of my faithful readers have any suggestions for me on this one, please share them.  Please?  Worse case scenario, she'll learn about it on the playground like the rest of us, right?  But I'd prefer to be a little more proactive.  I just need to not laugh.  But it's funny, don't you think?  Think about "the act" - it's funny as hell. 

The good news is that despite the fact that she has no idea how one contracts the dreaded genital herpes, she sure as hell knows it's incurable.  And she needs to stay away, far, far away from anything resembling a man-whore.  And she's also very well versed on cell phone carriers - just sayin'.

Job Well Done, Jordin!

Isn't it fantastic when things work out the way you want them to work out?  I love it when that happens.  So you can imagine JillyD's glee last night when Jordin was crowned this year's American Idol!

I heart Jordin.  I really do.  Mach One really hearts her - but that's because he thinks she's hot.  I have to keep reminding him that she's 17 - which makes her jailbait.  Just sayin'.  Then I had to explain the term "jailbait" to my 10 year old.  Which was easier then the time I had to explain the term "whore" to her.  But still.

Jordin was my choice from early on.  There's something to be said for being humble.  And if you're humble with great teeth, I'm voting for you.  Some may argue that Melinda was humble.  Personally, she was more like a deer in headlights then humble.  But Jordin was always fun and spunky and never seemed to take anything too seriously.  People that are too serious bug me.  Imgaine that coming from the clown that I am.  But Jordin was my girl from the very beginning and I'm so glad that the planets aligned and she took home what was rightfully hers.  And her crying parents at the end was the icing on the cake for me.  Loved that!

As for the rest of the show - it was a little odd.  The "Golden Idols" are always good, clean fun.  Bring back all the morons from shows of Idol past and give the adoring public an opportunity to mock them yet again.  What the hell was the lady in the Big Bird costume?  I think a sanitarium is in order for that one.  Seriously.

And what did you think about Kelly Clarkson?  The only word that I can come up with is - BITTER.  Damn - somebody screwed her over big time.  I think she took a page out of the Alanis Morissette songwriting tutorial because that little ditty last night was a far cry from "Breakaway" don't you think?  I'm thinking that the non-soothing "Never Again" isn't going to be featured in the Princess Diaries 3 soundtrack anytime soon.  Unless the Princess ends up being sold into sexual slavery in a far away foreign land and the goes all Rambo and shit on her captors.  Just a guess that Disney has no plans for that one.  But if they do - I better get the royalities.  And they'll already have Kelly's man-hating ballad to accompany the movie trailer.  Yet again - it's so nice when things work out the way that you hoped.

I thought the Sgt. Pepper thing was a little pyschedelic at the end.  Like they were all smoking mushrooms back stage and then sent Ruben out in his pinstripe suit to talk about the girl with kaleidiscope eyes.  It was just weird for me, dawg.  Did I ever tell you that my sister, Band Camp thought that the words for that song were, "The girl with colitis goes by?"  No shit (ha!) she really did.  I'll have to devote an entire blog to my sister and her inability to correctly hear song lyrics. 

So AI is done for another season and my Tuesdays & Wednesdays are now my own again.  Whatever will I blog about now?  Oh right - Band Camp.  The Band Camp stories are endless...

So long, Farewell, Auf wiedersehen, Adieu....

Adieu, Adieu, to Melinda, Melinda, Melinda.  And to JillyD too.  Let's start with Melinda though, shall we?

I wasn't surprised that Melinda's expiration date was due.  Don't get me wrong - she has a great voice.  And I'm sure that she'll make more money then I'll ever see in my lifetime - the wench.  But in my humble opinion, she wasn't an "American Idol."  Meaning she didn't have the whole package.  I always hear people bitching about "it's a singing competition" but if that were completely true, the show would be called "Who has the Best Voice?"  The fact that they threw the "Idol" part in there kicks it up a notch.

Idols have charisma.  Melinda doesn't.  That's why she won't be the next American Idol.  I wouldn't buy her CD.  Nothing against her but she doesn't sing the kind of music that I like.  But it doesn't matter if I buy her CD or not.  She'll still be rich and I won't be, so whatev.  You'll recall that Chris Daughtry got voted off in third place last season.  That was really a deal breaker for his career wasn't it?  Melinda will be fine.  And she should keep those hair extensions.  Just sayin'.

I triple love Jordin and I hope she wins.  I won't cry if Blake wins but he's been kind of boring it up lately.  Jordin's got great teeth, doesn't she?  I have a thing about teeth.  I like them clean, white & straight.  Jordin's got great teeth AND charisma.  And Mach One has a little crush on her.  Jordin for president.  And if not president, then the next American Idol.

Now onto JillyD's farewell.  Where am I going, you ask?  To a land, far, far away.  It's actually only about 3 hours north of me but it will seem like I'm far, far away when I'm not snuggled up with Mach One tonight.  JillyD, The Girl, Jenni from the Hood, her spawn, SammyMaiz - we're all heading up to Mackinac Island for the weekend.  It's the final stop in the BFF tour.  Actually it's not.  It's the last trip for the Girl Scout troop that the girls have belonged to since kindergarten.  Jenni has been the troop leader all this time and she's finally throwing in the towel after 5 long years.  She needs more time to spend with her BFF and drink margaritas - just sayin'.  But in true Jenni style, the troop is going out with a bang.  So at 3:30 this afternoon, we'll be northbound on I-75, heading for the bridge.  And tomorrow we'll be touring the butterfly house and Fort Mackinac ~ whatever the hell that is.  Then we'll bike around the island, trying not to vomit from the smell of horse poop that permeates the place since no cars are allowed on the island.  You can imagine the pictures that I'll have to share when I get home.  Bet'cha can't wait, can you?  Sadly enough, you'll have to since I won't be back until Sunday.

But now you have something to look foward to!

Later, LaKisha

And then there were three.  LaKisha is history.  Not that I'm surprised - I honestly think that she had been on borrowed time for awhile.

Let me first start out by saying that she does have a great voice.  However, she sucked so bad on Stayin' Alive that I was ready to pierce my own eardrums with toothpicks just to make it stop.  It was really bad, dawg.  Damn, I think I'm channeling Randy.

Poor LaKisha.  I think she gave her best performance on the very first show and then it was kind of downhill from there.  She was really loud & shouty.  Is shouty a word?  If it's not, I'm making it one - just sayin'.  And I was always so worried that one (or both) of her boobs was going to spring loose from their confines.  Seriously.  It's a live show, people.  If her boob would have popped out, we would have seen it.  And then we would have had to pour bleach in our eyes just to remove the image of that atrocity.  Remember my experience with Regis?  I still have nightmares about that and wake up in a cold sweat, screaming.  And that was a naked guy.  I really have no interest in seeing LaKisha or any other chick naked on the American Idol stage - just sayin'.  So now I don't have to worry about this anymore because LaKisha is LaHistory.

I do feel bad for her though since the City o' Flint was planning a big celebration for her to be filmed next week.  I live pretty close to Flint - unfortunately.  Maybe LaKisha is happy that she won't have to share her hometown with the tv people.  There's really only so many homeless people, crystal meth addicts and prostitutes that you can subject yourself to before you decide to turn the channel.  Turn the channel, people.  Do not subject your children to LaKisha hanging with the prostitutes in the hood - just sayin'.  But when it's all said and done, I'm sure LaKisha won't have to return to her job at the bank.  That's probably been robbed everyday for the past 15 years.  I think she'll end up with a record deal and perhaps move to suburbia.  Maybe she'll move to my neighborhood.  Maybe she'll be my new favorite neighbor.

Before we part, I'd also like to say - what in the name of all that is good and right in the world happened to Barry Gibb?  Holy shit - he looked like death warmed over.  Death warmed over - my mother used to say that all the time.  Isn't that the funniest thing ever?  And now I'm saying it - Lord help us all...

This is the Barry Gibb that I remember.  The Barry Gibb that adorned the walls of my adolescent bedroom.  The Barry Gibb who was the star of my earliest sexual dreams.  Not anymore, mind you.  Now all those dreams star Mach One - just sayin'.  But my point - and I do have one - is that Barry Gibb used to be a hottie pants.  Perhaps in a girly sort of way with the long hair - but the manly beard offset that.  I think Barry may have been a metrosexual before we knew what the hell that was.  But he was cute and I used to heart him a lot.  And I also lusted after his younger brother, Andy.  Remember Andy?  "Love is, higher than a mountain, love is thicker than water.  You are this dreamer's only dream, heaven's angel, devil's daughter."  Does anyone other than me think it's a huge problem that I remember those lyrics from 28 years ago?  I think I may need professional help.  Anway, Barry & Andy were the cute Gibb boys that I triple loved during my own pubescent years.

Fast forward.  I'm now 39 years old and much closer to menopause then puberty.  And this is what has become of Barry Gibb.  Sad, isn't it?  Now granted, I'm sure I'm not nearly as cute as I was 29 years ago either.  I was a pretty damn good looking 10 year old.  But geez, Barry - you look like you're 100 years old, dude.  And what was going on with the teeth?  Were those fake?  Because I have a thing about teeth and his were not good.  And I don't remember them being not good.  Could it be that I'm slightly more critical then I was 29 years ago.  I doubt that.  But poor, old, gray haired, buck toothed Barry Gibb made me sad.  I'm pretty sure that growing old is going to suck out loud - just sayin'.

So now we're down to Jordin, Melinda & Blake.  I think Blake could be on his way out.  I like him - but his schtick is getting a little old.  I'm all about the beat boxing but know when to use it, pal.  Disco songs don't need the beat boxing - just sayin'.  Nor do love songs or church hymns.  Could you imagine Blake's rendition of Ave Maria?  Ah-ah-ah-ah ve, Ma re ah-ah-ah-ah.  That's just plain blasphemous and would require a trip to the confessional.  Melinda is good but boring.  And Jordin rocks the house.  Plus she has great teeth so she gets my vote.

Let me know what you think about last night's show.  Was it LaKisha's time to leave?  What say you?

Sayonara, Sanjaya!

Peace & harmony have been restored on the planet.  Why, you ask?  Because the days of Sanjaya are long gone.  Holy shit - could it have taken any longer for this kid to hit the road?

As I've mentioned before, I abhor country music.  It makes me break out into hives and vomit blood.  Ok, vomiting blood is pushing it a little.  Maybe I should say that hearing country music makes me want to vomit blood.  Hearing Sanjaya attempt to sing a country song makes me want to vomit blood and then rip my own head off after I'm done.  Not that I was toe tapping to any one of the contestants yodling but he was really bad.  Like make my dogs howl bad.  And since when does a do-rag translate to country music?  If they were throwing down on Eminem or Snoop Dogg, then by all means wear the do-rag, Pipsqueak.  But you were singing Bonnie Raitt.  Which brings up a good point.  Aren't there a plethora of country music singers that are boys?  Singing about cheating on their woman and getting drunk?  Oh wait, that's the rap music I listen to.  But you get my point.  Hell, pick Willie Nelson or Conway Twitty or somebody that has an XY chromosome configuration.  But Bonnie Raitt?  What the hell?  Is she even a country singer?  Is she even still alive?  Not that it matters if she's alive, mind you.  I'm sure dead people have just as good of songs as those that are alive so don't get all crabby with me thinking that I hate dead people, because I don't.  But the choice of song was b-a-d.  And he was horrible.  So horrible, it was bordering on comical.  Which who knows, maybe that's what he's going for.  Make a mockery out of the show and laugh your ass all the way to the bank?  It could happen - and most likely will.  He's already earned (and I use the term loosely) a coveted spot on the AI Tour.  And he'll make more money doing that then I'll earn in my lifetime.  Whatever.  I can sing dead Bonnie Raitt's song better than him - there's no doubt in my mind.  And my friends will back me up on that.

I nearly crapped down both legs when I saw LaKisha AND Blake standing next to Sanjaya.  I'm sure they nearly crapped their own pants, as well.  LaKisha was not good on Tuesday.  I like her but she really needs to liven it up a little.  Now it may have had something to do with the fact that she sang a song called "Jesus Take the Wheel."  Who writes these songs?  Did you listen to the words?  Some moron who's got her infant out in a blizzard and damn near kills her and the kid when she spins out on ice?  What the hell?  I just can't listen to that.  I'm more about songs that tout the finer things in life, like "flying first class, up in the sky - poppin' champagne, living my life in the fast lane - I won't change by the glamorous."  Now if Fergie was a country singer, the champagne would have exploded and blinded her in the process.  And then the plane would have crashed, killing all on board, including the poor, blind girl.  Who listens to that shit?  But back to LaKisha.  She wasn't good.  Did I mention that already?  But I'm not sure that it's her time to go just yet.  So maybe hanging out in the circle of shame with Sanjaya will be the kick in the ass that she needs.  Or maybe not.  But she really needs to forget that she ever learned "Jesus Take the Wheel" because quite frankly, it was a disaster and she'd do herself a favor to never utter it again.

I love, love and triple love Jordin.  So does Mach One.  Maybe I should be jealous?  Naw, she's jailbait.  And what would he want with her when he has me?  Don't answer that.  I thought Chris sucked and his whole "nasaly is a way of singing" made him sound like an idiot.  Is nails on a chalkboard a way of singing too?  Cuz that's what you sounded like, Chris.  Blake didn't thrill me either but like LaKisha, I don't believe that he belonged in the bottom three.  Dumb, nasaly Chris should have been in that spot.  Phil was actually pretty good.  Maybe he's a country boy at heart - doin' a little goat ropin' and fryin' up calf nuts when he's not performing.  It could happen.  Who have I forgotten?  Oh, Melinda.  She was fine, I guess.  I like her hair extensions.  They actually make her look like she has a neck.  Not that there's anything wrong with people who don't have necks.

So Sanjaya is history.  The butt of our jokes & the subject of fodder.  We'll miss you, Sanjaya.  Actually we won't.  But who the hell are we going to mock now?  I'm sure I can come up with someone new - have no worries.

Hasta La Vista, Haley

Haley is history.  Haley with her short shorts and low necklines and high heels.  What was the deal with her?  She was clearly trying to dress as tramp-like as possible but then she feigned being offended whenever Simon brought up her appearance.  Can't have it both ways, Haley.  If you dress like a tramp, people are going to think that you are a tramp.  I'm not sayin' it's right - I'm just sayin' that's how it is.  Kind of like the old "duck" adage.

Haley's performance of "Turn the Beat Around" was excruciating.  It really was.  And I happen to like that song.  Teena Marie's version was the bomb during the disco days and then Gloria Estefan remade it for some movie that starred a bloated Sylvester Stallone and the uber-trampy Sharon Stone.  Which brings up a good point.  This was supposed to be Latin Week.  So just because Gloria Estefan sang a song it makes it Latin?  So let's say that Gloria decided to sing "My Humps" - would that automatically become a Latin super hit?  Or Fergilicious?  Same thing there?  So once again, song choice was the kiss of death for, Haley.

She'll end up being fine though.  Haley will resurface somewhere because she's cute.  She'll end up being the featured performer at the local pork festival in a town near you.  Maybe she'll be crowned "Miss Pork."  You think I'm making all this up?  Remind me to tell you about the time I actually attended a "pork festival" with Mach One while I was six months pregnant with his seed.  And we ran into his old girlfriend.  She looked like shit.  It was very amusing.

As far as the other contestants, I think America actually called it correctly this time.  Phil's days are numbered.  He's just so boring when he sings.  He's got a great personality when he's not singing - he seems like the type of guy you'd want to drink beer and play cards with.  But since this is a singing competition, we have to base his merits on his singing.  Which isn't bad.  He kind of sounds like Michael McDonald.  Remember that dude from the Doobie Brothers?  "I wanna hear some funky Dixieland, pretty momma come and take me by the hand."  Remember that guy?  I think Phil sounds like him.  But he's just kind of lifeless on the stage.  Not that he needs to be bouncing around like a chimp but give us a little something, Philipe.  Shake your booty, tap your foot, toss your hat into the audience - something.  My guess is that Phil will be next week's loser.

And we can't have an AI post without mentioning Sanjaya, now can we?  Sanjaya, Sanjaya, Sanjaya.  I have to agree with Simon and say that he wasn't too bad.  I'll give him props for singing his entire song in Espanol.  That's no easy feat.  And it was kind of nice & sweet.  I almost choked on my own spit when he said he wanted to get J Lo's number and they wouldn't mention it to Marc Anthony.  Like that's going to happen.  She's old enough to be his damn mom.  So am I, in case you're wondering.  But he was alright.  And I thought it was a little mean that Ryan kept asking him to stand up and sit down.  But only a little.

My favorites continue to be Jordin & Blake.  Melinda and LaKisha are consistent but when it really comes down to it, I wouldn't buy a CD from either one of them.  Not because they aren't talented but because I don't expect they would make a funky CD that would allow me to get my groove on.  And it's all about Jilly D's groove, don't ya know.  Chris is just ok to me.  I think he'll be gone after Phil.

Next week is country week.  I'm already heating up the sharp pokers so that I can shove them repeatedely in and out of my eyeballs as I suffer through the show.  I despise country music.  As in hate it.  With a passion.  But of course I'll be tuning in because what's a week without Idol?  Nothing, nothing at all.

Schlemeel, schlemazel, hasenfeffer incorporated

Raise your hand if you know what the title of today's post is from.  Better yet, raise your hand if you know what the hell "hasenfeffer" means.  For those of you who were in the pre-pubesecent to pubescent range in the late '70s, "Schlemeel, Schlemazel" can only mean one thing...

Laverne & Shirley.  I used to heart Laverne & Shirley.  Didn't we all?  I had aspirations of living in a basement apartment with my BFF.  And having a cute boyfriend like Carmine Ragusa.  Do you remember The Big Ragu?  He was a dancer AND a boxer.  Such diversity all rolled up into one person.

What do you think ever happened to The Big Ragu?  We know what happened to Laverne & Shirley.  Laverne finally got out of the basement and the brewery and ended up being a pretty decent director.  Remember the movie, "A League of Their Own?"  She directed that.  Tom Hanks, Madonna, Rosie O'Donnell - is it ringing a bell?  One of my favorite quotes of all time is from that movie.  "There's no crying in baseball!"  Except in our case it's softball - same diff.  You can't imagine how much crying takes place on a team of 9 & 10 year olds.  Now if you get blasted by a ball, you can cry.  Although you shouldn't.  Because if you do, then you show the crappy pitcher who can't throw straight that she hurt you.  Better to not cry and then blast a homerun off the next pitch.  Then she cries on the mound and you can wave at her as you skip over every base.  So much better than crying - but that's just me.  Anyway, how did this turn into a softball post.  The season is just starting - you won't believe how many softball posts you'll have to suffer through in the coming months.  There's a time and season for everything.

So back to The Big Ragu.  What do you think happened to him?  I have a guess.  I think he may have left Hollywood - or wherever the hell Laverne & Shirley was filmed and moved to a small town in Michigan.  He & I became pals and started hanging with the same crowd.   Given his celebrity status, he still has to stay incognito when he goes to parties & such.  I know it's him but others, not so much...

Look at the bling on that guy.  He clearly made enough lettuce to support his shoe fetish while living the glamourous life in Tinseltown.  He dumped Shirley and married the always lovely, McD Shortay aka Trixie.  Sorry, Shirl - Trixie is a hottie pants and a helluva poker player...

Carmine & Trixie also decided to procreate.  Carmine spends a lot of time with the fruit of Trixie's womb.  Come to think of it, he spends a lot of time with the fruit of my own womb as well.  Here he is teaching the girls the hottest dance move from 1976 - the same moves he taught Lenny & Squiggy back in the day...

The Big Ragu is my pal.  I heart him a lot.  Except he's really not The Big Ragu.  He's really McD's Bad Boy.  But we pretend that he's The Big Ragu because, well just because.  You tell me why, 'k...

It's s-c-a-r-y, isn't it?  When bad hair happens to good people.  God knows, I have enough experience with that. 

So McD's Bad Boy is the local celebrity in our posse.  And I've already decided that we're all dressing up as the Laverne & Shirley gang for Halloween this year.  Me & Jenni from the Hood will be L & S - Mach One and Pocket Aces can arm wrestle over Lenny & Squiggy and McD's Bad Boy will complete us with his Carmine Ragusa impersonation.  Where does that leave Trixie?  Laverne's dad's girlfriend - what the hell was her name?  Mrs. something?  Naw, we need a better part for Trixie.  Good thing I've got 6 months to get crack-a-lackin on that.