JillyD is adding a new feature to everyone's favorite blog: The Book Club! It's like me and Oprah are twins or something. Except for the fact that I'm not black and I'm not rich. But other than those two minor details, I'm telling you, we're twins. When you think of JillyD, your next thought should be Oprah. I met Oprah once - did I ever mention that? I swear, I did. Maybe I'll write about that tomorrow - or maybe my son will bring another obscene hand drawn picture home and maybe I'll write about that. That's the beauty of the blog. No rules. I hate rules despite the fact that I'm a rule follower. Which makes me an anomaly - or just a freak on a leash. Take your pick.
So I actually joined a book club in real life. Me & Jenni from the Hood and a few other of our peeps. Truthfully, Jenni & I forced our way into the book club. It was already formed and we decided that we wanted in, dammit. And why not? We're fun, right? You're damn right, we're fun. And I suggested margaritas because what's more fun than discussing a suck ass book over margaritas? Maybe discussing a good book? Maybe we'll find out next time because this month's pick wasn't it. Here's a synopsis of the story - JillyD style...
Carrie Bell. What a freakin' whiner baby. She lived in this small ass town in Wisconsin. At 23, barely past puberty, I might add, whiner baby Carrie was feeling restless. She had the same dumb friends and the same dumb boyfriend since high school. For shit sake, Carrie, expand your horizons, would you? Carrie and her dumb boyfriend, Mike were engaged. But he was starting to bug the shit out of her and she was planning on dumping his boring ass until the moron jumped off of Clausen's Pier and broke his neck. The timing on that neck breaking sucked, don't you think? Mike and his broken neck were in a coma for awhile. And Mike's dumb BFF, Rooster started harassing the hell out of Carrie because she didn't want to visit his comatose ass every second of every day. What the hell kind of name is Rooster? She should have punched him in the face if you ask me. But I digress.
So Mike finally emerges from the coma only to discover that he's a quadriplegic. Of course he is. So then Carrie looks like a total bitch when she can't take it anymore and decides to get the hell out of dodge and head to New York to stalk some dude that she met at a party. She met the guy once - he could be freaking Charles Manson's brother for all she knew. But she was going dammit and no one was going to stop her. She did have one friend in New York - that would be Simon, the gay guy. Simon was the only damn person in the book that I actually liked. So Carrie miraculously locates Simon in a city of what - about 5 billion people? Then shacks up with him and his friends who are like the Island of the Misfit Toys - for free, I might add. Dumbass Carrie heads to NYC with like $1500 to her name. She would last about 3 days - no lie.
By the time she reaches NYC, Carrie is horny as hell. Since Mike is a quad, there wasn't any action taking place in the boudoir, if you get my drift. So Carrie manages to track down Charles Manson's brother who happens to be named Kilroy. And she and Kilroy do it. By "it", I mean "it" - and they do it a lot. Like all the time. No wonder she couldn't get a job - she was screwing Kilroy 24/7. While poor paralyzed Mike and his limp penis pined away for her in Wisconsin. Now despite the fact that Kilroy was great in the sack, he had a lot secrets. Secrets that he wasn't interested in sharing with Carrie. But she didn't care at first because she was just after his wiener. Who cares about your past - bring on the wiener, dude. But you can only have so much sex before you want to know stuff about that person. Like their real name, for example.
Carrie ended up returning to podunk Wisconsin after her BFF's sister was molested by some creepy old guy in a parking lot. Stupid shit Carrie hadn't talked to her BFF during the entire sex fest time with Kilroy, so needless to say, her BFF was pissed at her. But they ended up making up and Carrie started visiting poor paralyzed Mike. Then Kilroy started to get pissed and wanted her to come back to NYC and Mike wanted her to get naked to see if his wiener would still work. It didn't, in case you were wondering. But she ended up staying in Wisconsin because wouldn't you choose Wisconsin over New York? The answer should be a resounding, "Hell no" but Carrie was an idiot so what do you expect?
So there you have it - The Dive from Clausen's Pier. Carried sewed shit throughout the entire book. I'm sure there is some kind of symbolism there but frankly, it bugged me. I don't even sew freaking buttons back on shirts. I sure as hell am not interested in hearing about people sewing actual outfits. She made some kind of slutty nightgown that was symbolic of her sexuality. I didn't know that until I was at the book club yesterday. And by then, I'd had about 3 margaritas so Carrie and her sexuality just made me giggle. I don't do serious well with a margarita in hand. Actually, I don't do serious well in general.
If you've read this crap book, let me know your thoughts. Did you like it, did you hate it? Did the sex scenes make you throw up a little in your mouth?
The selection for next month's book club is Eat, Sleep, Pray - or something like that. It's a combination of those three words and I have no idea who wrote it. I could look it up but that would require effort on my part. But I know that Oprah is all about it because it was on her show last week. See - I told you - me and Oprah are like twins.
