Applefest 2008 aka "What the Hell?"

Welcome to the second annual edition of the freaks come out at night.  Except it wasn't night.  It was during the day.  And "it" is the money sucking debacle known as the "church festival."  Remember how much fun we had last year touring the freak show?  Let's give it another whirl, shall we?

Never known to disappoint, this year's festival contained new and improved death traps.  Like this one for example...

 

Who in their right fuckin' mind would go on this?  Seriously.  It's assembled by people that are dumber then my dogs.  And my dogs lick their own nuts and have been known to eat their own poop on occasion.  But they're smarter then the folks that assemble these rides - in one day I might add.  Swear to God.  I drop the kids off in the morning, this mo fo is in pieces on a truck.  I pick the kids up from school - 6 hours later - and this mo fo is ready and waiting for its unsuspecting victims.  All I have to say is, "What the hell?"  And thank God that my kids are chicken shits and had no interest in blowing chunks on this killer.

Along with the new death traps, came new carnies.  Carnies with authority issues.  And bad teeth.  But carnies and bad teeth are synonymous, wouldn't you agree?  This ass wipe took it upon himself to throw The Boy off of the Himalaya.  Threw.him.off.  Here's The Boy saying, "Dude, what the fuck?"

 

Ok, he didn't really say "what the fuck?"  But he was thinking it.  And he did say dude.  Or maybe he was calling him a douche bag.  His mouth is forming a "dooo" sound.  And I'm not even a speech therapist.  Go figure.  Anywho, this barely past puberty fuckwit with bad ears threw my kid off the ride.  Too bad we don't know why.  Apparently because he's the law of the land.  Or the Himalaya nazi.  Bastard.

Look who's back.  Back again.  It's so heartwarming to know that job security is alive and well in America.  Apparently your job is safe if you work at the basketball hoop, screwing unsuspecting children out of their five dollars for one effin' throw and you're a tattooed freak.

  

If you're an educated professional who bathes on a regular basis, watch out, your ass could be canned at any minute.  But if you're a regular on America's Most Wanted because you killed somebody yesterday, feel free to work the same booth next year at the "church" festival.  Unless you're in jail.  Which is highly likely.  Because we want you to spend quality time interacting with our children.  What the hell?

Just so you don't think that JillyD is picking on all the stanky ass carnies, let's switch the focus to those who attend the festival, shall we?  Like this guy...

  

Let me answer that question that I know you're asking right now.  Yes, Virginia, his fucking hair is green.  And his dad has a ponytail.  And his mom needs a bra.  And his mom and dad are most likely brother and sister.  Which explains the green hair.  I'm going to go out on a limb but I'm pretty sure that an identical gene pool results in green hair - just sayin'.  Raise your hand if you can picture this freak ass sitting on a porch, playing the banjo.  Let's all say it together, shall we?  What the hell? 

Have you ever wondered what happened to the stars of your favorite childhood stories?  Like Nancy Drew?  Did she end up addicted to valium, screwing the paperboy, and on welfare?  Or what about Pippi Longstocking?  Whatever became of her?  Oh wait, JillyD knows...

Well what do you know?  Pippi Longstocking is all grown up.  And has big boobs.  What the hell?  That's very disturbing.  Pippi Longstocking isn't supposed to have boobs.  But Nancy Drew isn't supposed to be screwing the paperboy now either, is she?

Speaking of big boobs.  And we were, weren't we?  This lovely lass was prominently displayed on the front of The Twister...

  

What the hell?  Who is she?  Titty Longstocking.  Pippi's older, evil, bigger boobed sister?  Who's apparently a super hero to boot.  Who knew?  Here's a question for you.  Why exactly would this be appropriate at a "childrens" carnival?  With the operative word being "children."  She's like an S&M dominatrix for fuck sake.  Once again, all I have to say is "What the hell?"

There's so much more but so little time.  Tune in tomorrow for Part Deux of Applefest 2008 aka "What the Hell?"  You won't be sorry, promise...

Comments

[Triple L]

Gotta just love the Carnivals and there characters. Big B missed playing against you at the Texas Hold em Tournament. He said he didn't see you.

[Uncle Garr]

Man...we just do magazine sales as fundraisers in the Lutheran school system. You Catholics know how to have fun! ;-)

At first glance, Captain Green Hair reminded me of Heath Ledger. I need to get out more.

[Kim in SC/Dixcgirl]

I needed that laugh today Jillie as I am emersed in trying to coordinate "Teacher's Breakfast Hell" at our school at the moment!

[Miller Lite]

The pictures are great!! I am sooooo glad to see the Apple Fest. come and go!!!!!! I just keep reminding myself it is all for a good cause!!!!!

[Mach One]

Some how I managed to avoid the apple fest this year. First time in a few years. Oh well - there is always next year.