that Sgt. Pepper taught his band to play. That's actually not true. It was probably more like 107 years ago today when that happened. But it was 7 years ago today that I did something that I never thought imaginable. I gave birth to a male child. Giving birth was not the unimaginable part. I had done that about 3 1/2 years earlier. It was the male child part that caught me off guard.
I never thought I would have a boy offspring. Probably because I come from a long line of chicks. I have one sister, the infamous BandCamp and BandCamp had two girls, Ice Box & K-Dawg. And then I had The Girl. See the pattern? All XX chromosome configurations. Not a Y sperm to be found for miles & miles.
April 24th started pretty much like any other day. Notice I said April 24th and also notice that The Boy was pushed into the world via one of the smallest orifices in my body on April 25th. My children tortured me with long labors - both of them. But I'm not bitter. Ok, maybe I'm a little bitter but I'll get over it eventually. Anyway, I woke up in the wee hours of April 24th to pee. Big surprise there. But when I stumbled into the bathroom I was greeted by a little more than urine. I'll spare you the details but I think it was the mucus plug thing. It still makes me want to throw up in my mouth when I think of it for too long. So I got back into bed and casually mentioned it to Mach One, who was snoring next to me. He sat straight up in bed and the snoring stopped immediately. Who knew? Maybe I should try it again sometime when he's sawing logs next to me. I told him not to worry, there were no contractions. And for the record, I knew what contractions felt like this time around. With The Girl, I had no clue. People said it was like menstrual cramps. I don't know what the hell kind of menstrual cramps most people have but holy shit, it felt like someone was trying to rip there way out of my body. Which, in fact, was what was actually happening. Go figure.
Since the torture hadn't started yet, I told Mach One to go back to sleep. I fell back to sleep too - and all was right in the world. The Girl, who was 3 1/2 at the time, woke me up at her usual crack ass of dawn and we went about our day. Mach One went to work, The Girl watched Barney over and over until I was ready to kill his purple ass and rip my own head off and I shaved my legs - just in case. The contractions started in the late afternoon. Nothing that I couldn't handle. And since I spent what seemed like eternity at the hospital trying to birth my firstborn, there was no way in hell I was leaving my home until this kid's head was crowning.
Fast forward to midnight. My logical self realized that the only way I was getting the epidural was if I showed up at the hospital during the proper "window" of opportunity. I missed the "window" with The Girl and gave birth sans the epidural. I'm still pissed about it, in case you're wondering. Ten years later and I'm still pissed. I need to let it go. So there was no way I wasn't getting it this time. I was planning on going postal on somebody if they didn't thread that freaking catheter into my spinal column - or however it works. I just knew I wanted it and dammit, I was getting it this time. We showed up at the hospital and the gods were shining down on me because they didnt' send me home and they were sending down the epidural lady pronto. Things were falling into place.
Now before I go into the next part of the story, let me preface it by saying that Mach One had been up for over 24 hours at this point. You'll understand why I mention this in just a sec. So I'm in my lovely hospital gown, ass hanging out the back, trying to deal with the pain of my contracting uterus. The IV is hooked up and in walks the epidural lady. I wanted to kiss her but she may have thought I was a freak and I didn't want to risk her leaving the room. So I tried to compose myself. She asks me a few questions, deems me a suitable candidate and starts the procedure. I thought it was odd that they didn't ask Mach One to leave the room. Every episode of "A Baby Story" that I had ever seen showed the Dads being escorted out. Not the case here - and too bad for that. Read on....
So I'm crunched over in a "U" shape - which when you're 100 months pregnant, it's not the easiest feat to accomplish. Hell, walking is damn near impossible. Turning into a human pretzel is unthinkable. But I did it because I wanted that epidural. So I'm leaning on the very plump & comfy nurse, with my head down, looking at the floor. Mach One is standing near the chair that is supporting my legs. The next thing I know, Mach One's legs buckle and he's laying on the floor next to me, bleeding from the head. This is a true story. I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. Plump nurse nearly has a stroke, starts screaming "Dad down, Dad down" and sets off an alarm in the room. And a catheter is being threaded between my vertabrae. Perfect.
Plump nurse starts screeching questions at me about Mach One's health. Like does he have seizures and shit like that. Meanwhile, epidural lady is telling me not to move. So what's a 100 month pregnant woman with a half dead, unconcious husband to do? I think I started crying. That was most helpful. Right about this time, Mach One came to. But his fall had been broken by the baby warmer which would house his son in a few short hours and his head wound made it appear as though someone had been murdered in my room. Definitely not the serene setting I had dreamt of. Mach One was wheeled down to the ER to get his own wound attended to and I was left by myself. But by that time, the epidural had kicked in and I was loving life. Except for the part about my husband being in the ER having his head sewn up. That part sucked. In his defense, he said that he saw an air bubble in my IV. But none of the hospital personnel saw it. He was convinced that I was going to die from an embolism and leave him with a 3 1/2 year old and a newborn. So he did the first thing that came to mind - which was to faint.
Mach One eventually made his way back up to my room just in time. He was a little groggy from his head trauma but managed to hold my hand when I needed him to. I had mentioned to the nurse that we didn't know what we were having. I mean, we knew it was a baby - but the gender was a surprise. So I wanted to be sure that she told us what it was because they kind of forgot to mention it when The Girl was born and it took a minute or so before I knew what had just exited my body. So I didn't want to be hanging out in the stirrups again with no clue. Although Mach One and I just knew it was going to be another girl. We were so positive that Mach One told me to not even bother bringing the blue outfit to the hospital since we wouldn't need it. From your mouth to God's ears is what I say.
I pushed for about 20 minutes and with the final, "ughhhhhhhhhh," my va-jay-jay was destroyed and the baby was here. The nurse looked at me and said, "It's a boy!" And I said, "Whatcho talkin' about Wills?" Actually I said, "It's a what?" And then I looked at Mach One and with tears streaming down his beautiful face he said, "It's a boy - we have a boy!" Of course, I was still convinced that it was a girl and couldn't imagine what the hell was dangling between her legs. But then I looked over at the baby warmer that had damn near killed by beloved Mach One just mere hours earlier and this is what I saw...
My beautiful baby boy. And at that moment, I couldn't picture myself not having a son.
So to my beautiful baby boy on the occasion of his 7th birthday. Thank you for the privilege of being your mother. Thank you for thinking that I'm the nicest, prettiest, skinniest mom on the planet. For picking me dandelion bouquets and for teaching me how to make farting noises with my armpits. For reaching up to grab my pinkie finger when we're walking through a parking lot - even though you're a big boy. And for wrapping your arms around my neck every night before bed and telling me you'll love me forever.
You've made me a better person and I thank God for giving you to me. I'll love you forever too, buddy!